Deanna • Duff McKagan

Chapter Sixteen • Help

July 21st, 1985

Covered with sweat, Duff steps off the stage with his bass slung over his shoulder. His hair is matted as he walks toward where I stand with Haley. "They're a pretty good crowd," he says as he grabs the bottle of water I hold out to him.

"Dylan may not have explicitly paid you, but Haley and I did walk around the crowd with this," I hold up the plastic jar that formerly held cheese balls, now containing a shit ton of coins and crumpled up dollar bills. "There's at least fifty bucks in here."

"You're pretty great, you know that?" He asks, throwing an arm over my shoulder.

"Oh, I know," I reply, shrugging his arm off my shoulder. "You're sweaty and gross, take a shower and then we'll talk."

•••

"Hey, Iz," stepping out onto the balcony of my fourth floor apartment, I watch as the dark haired rhythm guitarist holds a cigarette between two fingers, the smoke dangling from the tip of the cancer stick. "I was wondering if you could help me."

He turns to me, his eyebrows raised as he takes a drag from his cigarette. "What can I help you with?" Jeffrey Isbell is quite the character, not only a rhythm guitarist for Guns N' Roses, but a well known Sunset Strip drug dealer.

"Cocaine. You got any?" Izzy looks taken aback, his eyebrows raised in confusion. "Come on, Stradlin, I know as well as anybody in my apartment does that you're a dealer. Would you rather me buy from some random back alley dealer?"

He sighs, as if contemplating whether or not this is a good idea. It definitely isn't, not in the slightest, but Izzy doesn't need to know how much I used back in the day. "Do you want a gram or an eight ball?"

"Eight ball," I say it almost too quickly. I see the suspicion cross Izzy's face, but thankfully he doesn't question my quick responses. I'm glad Izzy is the drug dealer of the band, he's the easiest to deal with.

He digs into the pocket of his pants, pulling out a bag of cocaine and handing it to me. "I'll treat you like all my customers," he starts, staring into my eyes. "First ones free, when you get more is when you pay."

"Thanks, Izzy, I appreciate it," I give him a small smile before sliding open the glass door and re-entering my house. "Oh, Izzy?" I turn around before shutting the door. "Please don't tell anybody about this."

"Dealer/Customer confidentially," he shrugs, a small smile on his face. I shove the eight ball into the pocket of my shorts, sliding the door shut before heading to my room.

I can't do cocaine in my room, I could tell Duff is in there due to the fact that the bass line to 'Welcome to the Jungle' is being played behind my bedroom door. I have no idea where Axl is, which is probably bad considering his statutory rape investigation. Steven and Slash went back to Steven's girlfriend's house, and Haley is at an audition.

I'm here, pretty much alone other than the drunk bassist in my bedroom and the drug dealing guitarist on my balcony. Sighing, I pull the eight ball of cocaine from my pocket, staring at it for a second. Do I really want to spiral back into the world of drug use? The answer is, yes I do.

I open my bathroom door, shutting and locking it behind me before flicking on the lights as well as the fan. I turn on the shower, as to not make Duff suspicious. It's funny, I'm being so secretive about my drug use, when I know half the band is on worse things than cocaine.

I take my hand mirror out of a drawer below the sink, carefully arranging three lines of cocaine. Taking a dollar from my wallet, I roll it up before just barely putting it inside my nose, snorting the white powder through the opening of the bill.

I repeat my actions for all three lines, wrapping the bag back up before stuffing it back in my pocket. I feel the post nasal drip, a cause of the cocaine, coming down the back of my throat as I stuff the baggie back into my pocket, checking my nose for any remnants of powder before exiting the bathroom.

I almost run directly into Duff, the smile on his face huge as he comes out of my bedroom. "I just came up with the best bass line for a new song!" He exclaims. I pretend I'm happy, but in truth, I have no emotions.

My room, painted sunset orange, has a full size bed against the wall that's covered in Polaroid pictures. I have a bay window on the wall across from the door, my closet on the right. Duff's clothes scatter the floor, letting me know it's time for his laundry to be done.

"I'd love to hear it Duff, but I have to meet with Andrea," I frown, hoping he believes me. Why couldn't I just let him know about my drug use? It's a secret that few know, Haley being the only one in this house that knew of my previous problem, while Izzy being the only one to know of my current problem.

In the early eighties, when my drug use started, it was just Coricidin cough and cold medicine, taking a whole pack of those pills in an effort to get high. After that came cocaine, which then became crack, and that went to meth, then came heroin. I was in and out of rehab for a year and a half, my last stint ending just four months ago.

His smile seems to drop, and I swear I feel a pang in my heart just thinking about how disappointing I am. "As soon as I get back I'd love to hear it, though!"

He nods, but I could already tell I fucked up.

A/N: THIS CHAPTER MAKES ME SOUND LIKE SUCH A DRUG ADDICT LMFAO