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❝the moon woke me last night. it didn't want me to miss the stars like i have been missing you.❞
WHEN I woke up in the morning, I was still intertwined in Pony's grip. My head was still lying on his chest and he still had a tight grip around me. His reddish-brown hair was all messed up, and he looked a lot younger than 14. Then again, Soda looked a lot younger than 16 going on 17 when he was asleep, so I figured everyone looked younger in their sleep.
Suddenly, Ponyboy groaned and shifted in the bed, which made me move with him. As soon as he woke up, his greenish-gray eyes met mine and he whispered, "Morning, Logie-Bear."
I laughed, but tear stains were visible on my cheeks. I nuzzled into Pony, still shaken from the events of last night. He held me tightly without saying a word. I only wanted silent comfort, and I always got that from Ponyboy. After awhile of just holding me and rocking me back in forth softly, my twin broke the silence in the air, "Logan, can I ask you something?"
I just mumbled my response into his chest, "Yeah, sure."
He sat up, and I sat up as he moved. He grabbed my chin gently, forcing me to look into his greenish-gray eyes, "How many times did you smile while crying inside?" Ponyboy asked softly, and as much as I wanted to look away from him, I couldn't.
"Pony, what makes you say that?" I asked, my voice quivering.
He took a deep breath, "You haven't been the same since the accident, Logan. I've noticed that. You may be fooling Darry, and Soda, and Steve. You may be fooling Two-Bit and Dallas Winston, and you might even be fooling Johnny Cade. But you're not fooling me. An illusion is always an illusion. Reality still exists despite the facade." Ponyboy told me, and tears swelled up in my icy blue eyes. I refused to let them fall, though.
"I-I'm okay. I'm happy." I tried to convince him, but then I realized that those words were more for convincing myself than convincing anybody else. Ponyboy just pulled me into a tight hug, placing a soft kiss on the top of my head.
"No, you're not. Everybody, including you, has two sides to them. I don't mean real or fake. I mean there are differences between your 2pm and 2am personality. There are nights when you cry so hard that your body aches and you shake and you have to put your head in your pillow so no one hears you. There are also nights where you're happy and you realize that everything does happen for a reason. And there are nights where you feel nothing at all. But there is never a night that mom doesn't cross your mind." he whispered in my ear, and I just froze in his arms. Ponyboy pulled me closer to him, and in all honesty, I accepted it. I grasped onto him so tightly that my knuckles turned white.
"You still miss her everyday, but you're thankful for everyday you got to spend with her. Pain still exists because you lost her, but so does the joy that came from knowing her. You're unlucky to have to say goodbye, we all are, but you're luckier because you had someone who made saying goodbye so hard." my brother continued, and I finally gave up. I dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down my cheek.
"I can't do this anymore," I whispered to myself, but Pony still heard me.
"As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp, but grief lasts as long as love does- forever. It's simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next, it may recede once again. It's all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow, pain and sweet love." Was the statement that Ponyboy spoke next, and that really broke me.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm sick and tired of keeping up this facade, but I feel like I'm disappointing Mom if I don't show her that I'm able to move on on my own. I'm depressed, Ponyboy, but I don't want the gang to know because I don't wanna make them look at me any differently. I'm weak... Pony, I'm so weak." my voice cracked as the tears came streaming down my face.
He pulled me into his chest, stroking my hair gently, "Depression is not a sign of weakness. It just means that you have been strong for far too long." my twin cooed, rocking me back and forth. I sobbed into his chest for a long, long time.
"You're perfect, unless you look closely because if you look, and I mean really look, you could see the cracks created by rocks people threw in the forms of words and ideas planted subtly in our world to ingrain themselves in our minds and haunt us at night." he whispered in my ear, still doing his best to comfort me. "You're beautiful, Logan. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't ever let anyone push you down or make you feel unworthy, because I'd lose myself if they did. You should never have a reason to believe people who do that to you, because all they're doing is lying to you. I need you, Logan. I do." he finished, looking into my icy blue eyes, which made me feel the slightest bit better.
"I love you, Ponyboy. Thank you for everything you do." I sobbed out, burying my face into his chest. He stroked my long, golden hair as I soaked his shirt with tears yet again.
"Shhh, I love you. I've got you." he told me, rocking me back and forth.
I just let him hold me; I didn't want him to ever let me go.
again another sucky chapter but i'd recommend listening to 'brother' by kodaline while reading this chapter!
i paired it with a little outsiders edit so enjoy!
a/n: you matter. please stay. i love you. remember there is a light at the end tunnel. if it's not okay, it's not the end. the national suicide prevention lifeline is 1800-273-8255.
