Book Of Narratives

Déjà Vu

Numb.

Amanda had felt nothing but shock, as she stared at Max incredulously.

Those words he uttered in his musically tantalising symphony of a voice, entered her hearing like a painful tune, giving her a headache.

Surely not.

She hated his sweet and gentle voice, she hated his amazingly adorable and brightly contagious smile, she hated the air of hopefulness and confidence. She hated him.

It wasn't as if she hated him per se, she just didn't like the air about him. She didn't appreciate the way his aura shone in confidence; even though it wasn't over confident, or cocky. Or she would've slapped him already.

But, she felt a burning emotion that scarred her whole body: her mind, her heart, her soul, her gut; it singed and marked her view of him. Not in a positive way either.

Jealousy.

A strong feeling of envy and madness, combined to make an unforgiving concoction. A feeling so strong and so overpowering, that nothing can get rid of it as easy as you could a disease.

She had never felt this burning desire of something you cannot get, ever, and that's a solid fact.

And yet, here she was, being jealous of this guy. And why? Because she wished she was as confident as he was.

Other than that painfully annoying and brutally disheartening emotion. She felt something else as well. Something....indescribable. It's the feeling as if something was repeating from what she had experienced beforehand in her life. Repetition of events, almost.

Déjà vu.

It felt like a repeat of a similar even that happened years ago, at a time, when she was a mere child, an adolescent. She was still growing, still forming the way she will be, forming her own path of life. And something, that most girls like her, crave for, but can never get, took too much of a toll on the way she saw things as an adult.

Heartbreak.

That is the only way to learn. When you tell your crush your feelings, and they play with them, what do you do? you, eventually learn from them. Eventually, with time and healing, you learn things, overcome a milestone, and....change almost. You, grow up, in a way.

Which is what happened to Amanda.

When she was what, 15 years old, she had had a crush on this boy in school. And the usual thing that happened was, she got her heart broken by him. Which was a first of many. What she thought was a happy time, a dream come true; was in fact, her crush knowing the crush she had on him, and him using that to play with her heart, her feelings; he treated it as a game, as a source of entertainment.

Amanda, who was usually impassive to the the world around her, was elated when he came up to her, and addressed her for the first time, flashing the beautiful smile he had, with a certain look in his eyes, almost playful; that unbeknownst to her, was a smile that mocked her, the glint in his eye, the playful look, was winking tauntingly at her. And unsurprisingly, she had been the blushing, giggling, stupid mess.

Her high school crush had a similar tone to Max, but, Max had more sincerity and more honesty to his tone, than her school crush ever had.

And Amanda could see that.

But the truth was, she was shocked, only because she was in disbelief, especially as she has had a past of failed relationship and mishaps, that has shattered her confidence in a way that a tiny bullet can pierce into a glass window, from even the highest heights and fastest speeds.

She was numb.

And the shock and incredulity she felt, stopped her from believing his honesty for more than five seconds. She'd over thought things, she'd over analysed them, looking for hidden meanings.

And now, she is too late.

Because now, when she finally got the courage to go up to him and confess her feelings towards him, at the offices that they both work in, five years later, she sees him smiling widely, wider than ever may I add, while typing rapidly on his phone.

Amanda, slightly nosy and curious, silently creeps over his shoulder, only to trip back in shock, a scream almost ripping from her mouth, in which she covers her mouth.

Well, you can guess what happened?

He was texting his girlfriend of five years, in which he plans to propose to in the upcoming months.

Subsequently, was the girl he used to get over Amanda, in which he did.

But Amanda.

Now, she is in pain, agony. She feels like the only hope at being with someone she loves, in the hope that he will love her back, dwindles substantially. Her heart feels like it has been roughly yanked out of her chest.

Painful.

And now, she feels heartbreak, pain, and sorrow all over again.

And most of all.

She feels regret for not pursuing Max when she had the chance. She regrets not agreeing to go out on a date with him.

Because now.

She will be alone, forever.

With no confidence whatsoever left to carry on.

What's the point in it, if all she will get back is even more heartbreak?