Holding My Breath ~ Larry Stylinson

Chapter 16

"Harry, please just talk to me." I begged as he walked through our apartment 2 days later.

"Why on Earth would I want to talk to you?" he snapped back, glaring at me.

"I know you don't want to even look at me," I sighed. "But-"

"Then stop talking to me." his ignorant tone had returned from the first days we had spent together. "You know I'm only staying in this apartment because every other place in the building is taken."

"Do you not see what's happened here? We've gone in a full circle, right back to day one. You hate me. Except this time I know why... Look, Haz, you have every right to hate me and be angry with me--"

"Yeah, I fucking do! Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?" he stepped towards me, so close I could almost feel the anger radiating from him. "To have you, the person I loved the most in the whole bloody world," he poked my chest hard. "to go behind my back with one of my best mates?! Well, I'll tell you how much it hurt. It was like you'd physically taken my heart out of my chest, thrown it onto the concrete, then stamped on it. No, actually, more like you ran it over with a bus."

"I'm sorry.." I whispered, shaking my head. "I know I will never be able to fix this. And I can't force you to love me. But please, please don't shut me out. I can't bare it." I looked into his green eyes which were starting to drain of anger.

"I could never shut you out, because I don't hate you. I love you and that's what makes this so much fucking worse." he snapped and before I could even think of what to say, he shoved past me and went out to the balcony. He lit a cigarette and started to inhale the smoke with great speed. I stood behind him in the doorway, praying he would say something in his normal loving tone. I knew he wouldn't, but that's all I could hope for.

"Harry,"

"Just leave me alone." he cut me off and I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. I turned around and went to the kitchen, making myself some tea. Well what else could I do? My usual habits took over and I took out two mugs, making one tea and one coffee. Before I could pour away the coffee, Harry wandered in quietly.

"You might as well have this then." I passed the mug his way.

"Why?" he looked confused as he took it from me.

"It's a habit to make two.. It was an accident, don't worry." I shook my head and walked into the other room after gulping down the last mouthful. Just hearing him breath and knowing I couldn't call him mine... It was killing me. I turned and walked down the hall, leaving the house with only my keys and phone, not even a coat. Just a black and white stripey shirt and chinos, with my trademark toms. The heavy rain started to fall, as if on queue as I left the building. I looked up, the rain hitting my face, and breathed in deeply. I hoped maybe the fresh air would give me some fresh ideas of how to get him to forgive me. I looked into the clouds and as they parted, I couldn't even see the sun behind them. The sky was empty, just like my heart. If only he knew how much he means to me, he wouldn't think twice about taking me back. I love him. I love him. I love him. I carried on walking without purpose - just walking. I couldn't even tell if I was crying anymore. I'd gotten used to the feeling of damp cheeks and puffy eyes. I got to the town centre and hardly anyone was there, probably due to the weather. I looked at the fountain, noticing how many pennies had been thrown in for luck. Heck, I needed all the luck I could get right now. I pulled out a couple of pennies and tossed them in, closing my eyes.

'Please forgive me, Harry.' I wished inside my head and opened my eyes, the rain soaking my clothes. I shivered slightly but didn't even think about it. I didn't care about anything right now. What the hell was wrong with me. Last year, I wouldn't have given a damn about a stupid boy breaking up with me. But this was different. As I looked around and discovered where abouts I was, I snapped my head to the left, looking up at the big white building.