your glorious indifference

more or less

they ask me why why why why

why do my hands always shake why am i so compulsive why do i cry too much why do i ignore the people i love why do i scream why am i so messy why do i look so tired why am i so distracted why can't i eat right why there are days in where i can't breathe why don't i try harder why am i not more why am i not trying more why am i not doing more

they always want more more more more

more pretty more skinny more tall more extroverted more talkative more elegant more feminine more clean more polite more hushed more calm more gentle more sweet more patient more submissive more sociable

and always less

less anxious less sad less scared less weak less fragile less restless less afflicted less depressed less dreary less dispirited less lazy less frightened less disturbed

and i want to scream scream scream scream

scream that i am okay but i am not okay scream that i know what i want but i don't want to chase it scream that i love life but sometimes i wonder what it would be like not to wake up scream that although it's sunny i want to be struck by lightning scream that i feel everything and i feel nothing at all scream that i am disappearing into oblivion scream that i want to keep on going i want to i want to

but i don't know how to

they don't understand they don't understand