your glorious indifference

passive agressive rants

all i want to know is when the fuck did i become this much of a sadomasochist to be letting people carve their names into my skin with their pocketknives and to be pouring salt in my open wounds just because that with the pain comes a perfect way to create new metaphors so i'm just going to close my eyes and pretend like i'm not so lonely all the goddamn time and like things haven't been so fucking uncommonly ambiguous erratic and unsteady and how dare do you expect me to unravel gracefully after all you did how fucking dare you and i miss you so much my bones ache but i never tell you because i want to burn all the remnants there are of you here all the bits of pieces that associate you all the words you spat like blood out of your mouth all the fucking parts of my skin you've touched and sunsets last longer than people and believe me when i say that i've tried screaming in the shower and running until my legs burn and shrieking into my pillow and peeling all the memories i have of you from my skin and touching other bodies and writing love poems about people who no longer exist and so i fall on my knees and swear swear swear to god that nothing is ever going to knock the wind out of lungs not like this and the thing is that you know you know you know about the thunderstorms i would be willing to start just if it meant holding your hand and i am sorry because this isn't how it was supposed to be – this goddamn messy and dishevelled and this prone to disaster and we both know how it goes we both end up so fucking ruined in the process and you are a child playing with matches and darling i have a paper body i just don't want to get bad again like last time i don't want to go back to shaking in the bathroom floor let's pretend we can make this work let's pretend there was never any wreckage let's pretend we know how to love without tearing each other apart i'm sorry for all the poems just please don't go please please please stay