Epiphany - Namjoon au

-26-

December 3 : Monday

I spent an hour in the shower once I got back to the dorms. I let the hot water run over me like somehow it'd wash away everything wrong with my life. I didn't even have enough energy to wash my hair or body, I just sat on the shower floor and thought.

My thoughts were chaotically calm. Anything I could think of was rushing through my mind but the hot water burning at my skin seemed to make it okay. It was a strange feeling to be filled with anxiety but yet not feeling anxious at all. It's what kept me in the shower for so long, I knew once I turned the water off I wouldn't feel safe anymore.

But my skin was beginning to prune and my skin was bright red from the scorching hot water. I was choking on the steam that filled the small white bathroom, my reflection wasn't even remotely visible due to the thick condensation coating the glass mirror.

Without the water the world was too quiet.

I didn't have time to dress before Namjoon's name was flashing on my phone screen. The thought of him made my heart flutter. Holding the phone in my hand I wondered what he looked like right now, what he was wearing, what he was thinking about. Sometimes I wish I could be around him every second of everyday, but then we would get tired of one another.

"Hello."

"Hey baby." His voice was soft and concerned. He spoke with a heavy heart and a cluttered mind.

"Sorry if you tried to call earlier I just got out of the shower." I played with the hem of my towel.

"It's alright. But um, I think we should tell the boys." I sighed. It was so much easier said than done. "We don't have to tell Kook yet, but at least the other boys."

"Isn't that just going to make thing worse Namjoon. I mean we are in this mess from keeping secrets."

"Well do you want to tell him?" I went silent. "Exactly."

"I just want to wait till after New Years. I know it's selfish but I just want to have one last good memory here." Saying out loud made me hate myself. I know I should just tell Jungkook, I should get it over with and just be truthful. But I can't bring myself to do it, I'm too scared.

"It is selfish. But I'm not entirely against the idea." I let the conversation go quiet. I didn't really know what to think and in all honesty I was tired of thinking because once I start I can't stop.

It started off with just how stupid and naive I am to keep a simple relationship a secret and then it spiralled into me realizing I had 62 days left in this country I've grown more accustomed to then my home country. With the thought of going home on my mind I just think and stress about my sister and my parents and the fact I don't even remember the last time I spoke to them.

"I'm so stupid." I let my head fall into my free hand. I pulled at my wet hair to try to supress the tears building up in my eyes. "I'm a stupid fucking teenage trying and failing miserably to play adult. I thought I was mature enough to come to a new country, to make my own decisions when in reality Yoongi is right. I'm nothing but a naive little kid who is in too deep over her head."

I hadn't even realized I was speaking english until Yoongi's name rolled off my tongue in the wrong accent. Namjoon didn't say anything for a while and neither did I. I was too busy keeping my tears inside my eyes. My throat burned and I had a massive headache from my own stupidity.

"This isn't that big of a deal Nanni, not if we don't let it be." He sounded hurt. "I know this is stressing you out but you should know you're doing amazing."

"Namjoon please-"

"Shut up Nanni." He interrupted. "You have straight A's. You go to a school that uses the korean language and yet you are still able to get such good grades. You've only been speaking the language for what 3 years and yet in under 3 months your pronunciation almost sounds like a native's. We made a stupid choice to hide our relationship in order to protect my baby brother's feelings, we didn't kill him."