Epiphany - Namjoon au

-29-

December 25 : Tuesday

The room was filled with three tables, two for the international students and one for the food. I know that this entire event was thrown in hopes of bringing a small piece of home to all the kids who were away from theirs but the place had a depressing vibe.

Maybe it was the dollar store streamers that sagged from wall to wall or the air filled balloons that were roaming around on the hardwood floor. I think everything just added together to make a gloomy celebration of something none of us really saw the point in celebrating.

Christmas of course has become all about the presents, but the presents aren't the same when they aren't from your friends and family. The Christmas spirit is hard to find in a room of strangers. There also was barely 10 students in the small room which only added awkwardness into the depressing mix.

"You think they'll let us leave after dinner?" Ryan asked. He had been playing with the mashed potatoes on his plate for the past thirty minutes.

"Maybe." Stephanie sighed. "I'm pretty sure the email said watching the movie wasn't mandatory."

My head was rested on the palms of my hands. I was thinking about what Namjoon was doing right now. He was probably sitting with Jungkook and his mother opening expensive gifts and then eating a wonderful home cooked meal. I bet Jungkook is so happy having his mother home finally, he always seemed like a mama's boy.

"I think I'm going to head back to my dorm." I stood from the wobbly plastic table. Grabbing my jacket and phone I turned to Stephanie. "Can you tell them I just didn't feel good if someone asks where I went?"

"Yeah of course." She smiled. "Goodnight."

I just smiled before walking away. Since Saturday I haven't been able to sleep, or think, or even breathe without my heart aching with anxiety. At night I just lay in my bed staring at my ceiling, a few nights I cried for hours and it was the silent crying that burns your throat and makes your stomach ache. I don't even know what I'm crying for anymore, everything is ending the way I knew it would end. I think I'm just scared of the unknown.

Who knows what will happen once I actually leave. Namjoon and I can reassure each other a million times that the distance and time zones won't affect us but we'll only know if those words are true when the distance is actually between us. At this point everything is a battle of time. A battle of what can be said, done, enjoyed before I leave.

My phone buzzing in my pocket distracts me from the brown carpet leading to my dorm room. I dig in my jacket pocket until my hand finds the device, I answer the call without checking the screen.

"Hello?" I'm holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder while I unlock my door.

"Merry Christmas mi amor!" My mother's honey voice sweeps through the phone. Hearing her speak almost brings tears to my eyes.

"Hi mama." My feet kick my shoes off with a struggle before I collapse onto my unmade and clothes cluttered bed. "Merry Christmas."

"How are you? Is it snowing there? Did you get to see the first snow with Namjoon?" I laughed as she rambled on with questions.

"How'd you know about that?"

"I looked it up. Now answer!" She scolded.

"I'm good mom. I just got back from a Christmas dinner held by the school board it was okay but wasn't as good as you and dad's cooking." She laughed softly. "It hasn't snowed yet here, Namjoon said the first snow is usually around Christmas time so it'll come any day now."

"Oh Nanni I'm excited for you. You and him remind me of your father and I when we were young." I smiled to myself but her words made my heart ache. "Your love is now. You two knew the ending and yet you allowed yourselves to give your hearts up to one another. You two are brave for loving one another."