Pure Innocence (Lauren/You)

Chapter 14

Eventually I had found myself back inside of my apartment; I had no idea how I got back here, but somehow I managed to slip inside the door where I was now sitting on the couch in my living room in complete silence. I was sure that tears were still falling from my eyes but I really couldn't be sure at this point. My head rested on the back of the couch which allowed me to space out while staring at the ceiling above me. I knew I had fucked up in my judgement concerning Lauren's happiness, but I had to keep convincing myself that this decision was for the better and it would allow the younger girl to remain happy since she wasn't able to do so staying with me. I don't know how I was so susceptible to falling in love with one of my patients but it was honestly just my kind of luck that it had to happen and it didn't even work out in the end. I had lost my friends because of it, and now the one person I had left.

I blinked my eyes closed just as a tear escaped only to run down my temple. Whether I meant to or not, I completely fucked myself over and now I couldn't go back no matter how much I wanted to. I had to suffer another day of nothingness before I could back to work which would effectively distract me; but I had to finish today and go through tomorrow without work until I returned on Monday. So much for thinking that this was the best for Lauren; she looked completely torn when Chris was driving them away, along with the other two family members there. I couldn't imagine what they were all thinking and that was just another fallback of my decision. At this point, nothing good happened and I could only hope that Lauren would feel better after some time apart. I allowed myself to get too attached to my patient and it ended up shitty in the end all because of me. If I had kept my distance and just shut my mouth, none of this wouldn't have happened.

I felt like even more shit now realizing that I fucked over more people than just myself and possibly Lauren. I knew she would be upset, but never to the amount that I saw as she was driven away from me in that car. With the way she had acted, I never would have thought she would be this affected. She didn't want to be here anymore; she told me just that. I couldn't comprehend why she suddenly changed her mind overnight but I didn't have a widespread knowledge of autism. Hell, I didn't know how to love someone that had autism. With that lack of knowledge, I would never be able to be enough for Lauren with such high demands that she couldn't even necessarily help. I felt like such an asshole. A sob escaped my lips causing me to slap my hand over my mouth. I wanted to silence any other sound that may have escaped that only came due to my stupidity and lack of understanding. Could have all this been avoided? Did I just not try enough to make her happy which made me give up? I would never know the answers and that's what hurt the most.

I wouldn't be able to change anything or be able to help Lauren anymore than I have whether I liked it or not. "Fuck!" I cursed as loud as I could after removing my hand from my mouth. I didn't care if the neighbors could hear me or not. I was truly hurting at this point and I just wondered how much Lauren was hurting in the same moment. Maybe she didn't even care. She would most likely forget me within a week or two and that would be that. My head still rested on the back of the couch, straining my neck which constricted my throat even more as if trying to diminish my crying wasn't enough. I would probably lose my voice after all of this. I didn't even want to go back to work; ever. But I knew I had to, and I had to face the demons that I had created because I couldn't do anything else other than just suffering. I don't know how long I had been sitting on the couch, but the only thing to bring me back to reality was a knock on the door. I turned my head towards the front door but it was only now that I noticed it was dark outside. I spent the whole day self-loathing and crying at my own stupidity.

Another knock sounded throughout the living room since I hadn't answered soon enough, but I also wasn't sure if I even wanted to answer because I didn't want to talk to anyone let alone let them see me like this. After the third knock I knew whoever was on the other side of the door wouldn't give up so I had no choice but to hoist myself up off of the couch so that I could make my way to the front door. I swung the door open and as I was already in a bad mood, I couldn't help but snap before I even knew who it was. "What?" I asked louder than I should have but I couldn't help it at this point. When I realized who was on the other side of the door, I couldn't help the small groan that had left my lips. Normani had a raised eyebrow at my outburst but she hadn't commented on it yet. I dropped my head with a sigh so that my eyes were cast towards the ground. I really wasn't in the mood to be doing this right now.