A Sky Full of Blue

Chapter 21: White is the Color of the Fracture

"You can only be so strong for so long until you reach the point where you break physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Broken." ~h.w

There's a small trigger warning if you don't like violence. I would suggest skipping this chapter if you feel a strong dislike for abuse and depression. It is a chapter that is important to move the plot along, but don't read it if you would get upset with it.

I have to meet Theo's father. The man who is never around, who seems to be in a lot of trouble. Theo's mother seems to talk about him all the time, and she alaways denies giving custody. He seems like a man that doesn't know what he's doing with his life.

I shouldn't be one to judge; I don't know what I'm going to do with my life either. I have to figure out how to survive in it first.

The nerves are eating at me minute by minute, making my ticks worse. I try not to do it, try to stop the incessant twitch of my hands, keep the trembling out of my voice. It's a simple matter that I should be able to do with ease, but to me it's harder than you'd think.

I have to take into consideration the things that could cause an episode. I have to think about every move until I can relax again. There is no release point for me. I have to be alert for anything that can scare people. I've learned that people don't like different, no matter how small that different is.

I'm just feeling that maybe Theo won't like that different.

I tap my fingers on my thigh, waiting for Toby to come back with an outfit and a pair of shoes to wear. I know that I could do it for myself, but I feel like extra help would be beneficial. I tap my foot as well, keeping a regular rhythm to the time of my heart. I think that maybe, just maybe, that if I squeeze my eyes together for a few seconds and wait, I'll open them and be someone different. Someone with a good different; someone without Asperger's.

Toby has a pretty navy blue dress, something that I'm not really comfortable with. He brings out my navy blue Converse too, the ones that look like thousands of little stars are shining bright in a calm dark sea.

He smiles at me, oh that marigold smile. I'll have to find my own smile when Toby leaves for college. I'll have to find the one thing that I'm having trouble with: being happy. Knowing what happy means is something that I'm going to have to find out before school ends, before college starts.

He tells me to put everything on, and then gets Mom. I don't want her to touch my face, but she says that all she's going to do is apply some mascara. I already have long eyelashes, but apparently it helps add volume, makes my eyes pop.

"I'm sure Theo's father is going to like you as much as his mother and sister did." I notice that something is laced in her voice, something that has a bad quality to it. I try not to focus on it, but my mind keeps coming back to it. The tapping becomes worse, and there's nothing to do but wait in my bedroom until Toby comes back.

He tells me that he's going to drive me over to Theo's house, tells me that he's going to be the one to drive me so that I'm nice and calm.

I buckle my seatbelt and wait for my brother to climb in. When the Jeep roars to life I feel myself sinking into the seat, feeling the need to curl into a ball. Maybe agreeing to meet his father isn't the best idea in the world.

Toby's eyes flash to me, but he knows that I will scold him if he doesn't keep his eyes where they need to be. Toby puts his hand in mine and I don't bother telling him that he needs to keep his hands, both of his hands, on the wheel. He squeezes my fingers together. I think it's supposed to comfort me.

"Just take a deep breath and think of the color book. You do have it with you, right?" I nod and hold the little book closer. I think about looking through the pages, but they're personal. I have special moments in there, and my sketches are nothing to marvel at. They're mine alone. If anyone ever saw them I'd probably go hide in a corner and never come out.