A Sky Full of Blue

Chapter 32: Storm Blue is the Color of Theo's Tears

"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long." ~Johnny Depp

*Listen to "Crash and Burn"  by Thomas Rhett*

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Two weeks. Two weeks since I have talked to Theo. In all of that time, I have cried and stayed in bed, not sure what to do.

I know that he will forever be in my heart, because he has taken residence there. I see him in everything, and everything I do reminds me of the little things that he did.

I barely eat. I barely speak. Toby and my parents have stopped in, but most of that time I have been asleep or so upset that I cannot form one coherent sentence.

I know that this was my choice, and I take full responsibility for my actions. That doesn't mean that I can take it back. That doesn't mean that Theo will still want to be with me after all that I said.

It makes my heart heavy to think that he'd reject me after I came back to him, after telling him that I needed space.

My stomach roils at the thought of him turning away from me, telling me that I am no good for him, that I need to leave. I would never try to hurt him intentionally. Never.

I wonder if he got his cast taken off. I wonder if he will wrap those strong arms around me and envelop me in his cologne.

I sit here in his sweatshirt and breathe in deeply. His scent is slowly going away because he has been gone for so long. I let out a small sob, clinging to what I have of my Theo.

I miss his curly hair. I miss that nervous tick, where he runs a hand through those unruly curls, which sprung back to the touch. I miss how tall he is, and how he bends down to kiss me on the cheek.

Most importantly, I miss his Carolina eyes. I miss getting lost in them, finding my own adventure with him.

With his beautiful smile, and those dimples. With his large hands and gentle manner.

That Southern accent, that charm.

The scars on his body, the brand on his shoulder.

I miss tracing the planes of his muscle, the lines of his past.

I miss him.

I sit in bed, with my messy hair and sleep-ridden face, and send him a message.

I am sorry. I am coming soon and we will talk about this.

I don't expect an answer, and I don't get one. I set my phone down and rub at my face, feeling the heavy sleep lines.

"I don't know if I can make it through this." The heat leaves me when I get out from underneath the comforters and I shiver, wrapping my arms around myself.

I take a shower, after days of tears and motionless sadness. I wash it all away, thinking about Theo the whole time.

I stifle both a sob and choked up laughter at the thought of Theo and that towel. How he caught me when I almost fell. The way his skin felt on mine. How warm and supple he was beneath my fingertips. I run a hand through my wet hair and look at myself in the mirror. To think, a few weeks earlier I did this and ended up having a mental breakdown.

Now I stare at myself and notice that this girl is not me. Not entirely.

I am missing a part of me.

I sniffle and pull my hair up, trying to shake away all of this. I will tell Toby that I am ready. I can go to see Theo and we can talk about this. We will make it through my depressive stages. If not, I know that I made Theo happy for a little while before he finds someone that can make him even happier. Whatever his definition of happiness is.