wicked//punk l.h

chapter fifteen

waking up is never the same
not without your arms tangled up in mine
not without your kiss on my cheek
not without you telling me,
"you look beautiful today."
||dawn lanuza||

IT WAS CHRISTMAS eve and everyone in the trailer park was having a huge party. My dad said it happens every year. We sit around the fire and share everything we're thankful for. It's like all the poor people come together as a family and take advantage of the little things we have.

I was sitting with the other kids my age from around the park, sipping on a glass of wine. They were all sharing stories from childhood and having a great time. I however, kept glancing at Ashton.

Ever since that party at Michaels, I've tried my best to avoid Luke and his friends. It felt like my world was crumbling down without my best friend and I had Ashton to thank.

He didn't know how much Luke really helped me, but he still got in my head and pressured me into cutting him off. Without Luke, Chayse has gotten a lot worse and I had no one to talk to.

"Care for a drink?" I looked up to see Ashton standing with two beers. He had this sweet smile on his face that made me sick.

I denied the beer, then finished my wine in one gulp. He just handed me the bottle anyway and sat beside me.

"Sorry for being such an ass. I should've seen that you and Luke weren't just fucking around to hurt people. You guys were honestly best friends," he spoke, but I still ignored him. I was so mad at him for convincing me that I was such a shitty person for what I did. He made me believe that everything was my fault and I hated that.

"Look, go talk to Luke when you have a chance. He really misses you." And with that, he left me alone with the annoying teenage girls talking about how hot their boyfriends are.

■■■

Christmas day was nothing special. My dad and I sat around our small, Charlie Brown Christmas tree, drank egg nogg and rum and opened presents. He got me a record player and a few records of old bands I liked while I got him dad things like socks and pliers.

My last gift he said was a surprise until New Years, which kind of scared me. I hated surprises.

After I hung out with my dad for a bit, I met up with Chayse. He still didn't want me to meet his parents so his house wasn't an option.

We ended up sitting in my car in an empty parking lot. We were just smoking in silence.

"I got you something," he spoke, handing me a small box. I grabbed his present quickly before we both opened them.

When I opened the small box, it was just a few twenty dollar bills. I was very confused because if he just got me money for christmas, I wasn't impressed. I got him a nice sweater he's been eyeing up for the past month now.

I raised an eyebrow at him as I looked at the cash.

He just smiled. "It's to pay for your real present."

"And what's that?" I asked, actually curious what he could have planned.

"It's a surprise. I can't get it because everywhere is closed, but tomorrow we're going out," he explained. It was so weird seeing him like this; like he was his old self.

We sat there for a few more hours, just talking and looking at the pretty christmas lights hung around the city. For the first time in a while, I actually enjoyed being with Chayse. Even though I was terrified I would say the wrong thing and get him angry, I had fun just having a conversation.

This was honestly starting to be one of my favourite Christmas's. There was just one thing missing; Luke.

I wanted to just go to his house and give him the present I bought before I pushed him away. I wanted to just laugh with him and forget everything. But I couldn't just show up at his house and apologize because I have no idea where he lives.

"I should probably get home soon," Chayse said. "My mom wanted me home for a stupid family supper."

"Could I come?" I asked, hoping this would be my chance to meet his parents. I was still bothered by that, even if I know I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. I wasn't going to break up with him anytime soon, so I might as well be able to act like I wanna take this farther... right?

Chayse didn't seem to agree. He just gave me a dirty look and rolled his eyes. "We've talked about this."

"But you've never told me why I can't meet them. Like, I don't understand why it's such a crime that I want to meet your parents."

"It's not a crime, just bad timing."

I rolled my eyes. "Four months of bad timing. Alright, cool."

"If you don't fucking believe then that's your problem. It's honestly bad timing."

"You know what, fine. Go have your fucking family supper, but I'm not driving you. Figure out your own way home," I looked at him dead in the eyes, showing him I wasn't playing around. My sparks of confidance were weird. Sometimes, I had the guts to give him attitude and risk my safety, but other times I'm so scared I can barely speak.

He mumbled something to himself before stepping out of the car and slamming my door shut. I just rolled my eyes and sped away.

At times like this I would go to Luke for comfort. He'd make me feel better just by being there for me and it hurt knowing I couldn't.

Instead, I parked my car in a random parking lot and cried. I normally wasn't a crier, but it felt like everything around me was crumbling down.

I moved to Boston to start a new, better, life, but it all felt the same to me.

I decided then that no matter how hard I tried, I was stuck. Stuck in my shitty life style. Stuck being that girl from the ghetto who's family has no money.

It wasn't the cities problem. It was mine.