wicked//punk l.h

chapter eighteen

you have sadness
living in places
sadness shouldn't live
||rupi kaur||

MONTHS HAVE GONE by and Chayse hasn't broken up with me. He just uses me to get his anger out and it's gotten a lot worse. We don't even do anything couply. The most 'romantic' thing or 'relationship-like' thing is sex. But it's mostly to get him off.

I know he's sleeping with other girls anyway. It's not like he hides it nor do I care.

On top of that, Ayia has been trying to make me feel worse and worse everyday and how I felt about Luke. Actually, how I feel.

I realized that I was actually falling for Luke, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. He was more than just my best friend- but if course that's kind of obvious.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I really needed him. Sure, I knew I needed him, but I didn't know I'd break knowing he's probably never going to be able to look at me again.

For months we have been avoiding each other. During my spare, I sat in the library most days but sometimes I'd sit in the caf. I'd force myself to sit on the otherside and focus myself on my classes, even thought I was literally failing. He avoids the halls I walk down and I do the same.

Ayia was a different story. She would make out with Luke at the window that's very close to my locker. She also spread some stupid rumour about me sleeping with the entire soccer team. She made sure to leave Luke's name out of her rumours, mainly so her name doesn't get ruined.

Not that mine isn't and that doesn't matter.

Because of that rumour and the many more including me being a drug addict, I was fired from my job.

I've considered all my options by this point.

There was dropping out of school all together, but my dad gave the potential speech and never giving up speech. Yes, I ended up telling him everything. Then, I considered moving in with my aunt down in Texas, but she had a farm and she honestly scared me. She was a bit crazy. Then, I thought of online schooling.

My dad liked that one. He agreed to even pay for it and help me if I needed it. I really wanted to go through, but that would mean sitting down with the principle and explain why I wanted to leave. My dad would obviously have to be there and he wouldn't let me lie.

While figuring out all my options, I hardly showed up to school. I was honestly terrified because of how bad it's gotten.

I thought that this school would be different, but it ended up the same.

I was just a walking disaster and wasn't fit for public school.

I was quickly dragged out of my thoughts by a soft knock on my bedroom door. I wiped my tears as the person entered.

I expected it to be my dad or possibly my neighbor, Caroline, who would come check on me during the day. It was either of them though. To my surprise, a familiar tatted up blonde opened my door.

I was beyond confused and honestly hurt. Not to mention a bunch of other feelings I couldn't figure out.

"Hey," he spoke softly, closing the door behind him. I pulled my hood closer to my face to cover the black eye Chayse had given me the previous night.

I didn't respond, mainly because I was shocked to see him. I was also concerned that I would burst into tears at any moment.

He took a seat on my computer chair and starting playing with his fingers. I noticed that was one of his many nervous habits.

"I broke up with Ayia," he finally spoke again after what seemed like forever.

I didn't know what to say. Was I happy for him? And why did he come all the way over here just to tell me that?

"Everytime she did something to hurt you, it hurt me. I couldn't stand to see you upset. And when you stopped coming to school, I knew she really went too far. It's like she's a totally different person and definitely not who I want to be with." He took a deep breath before continuing. "What I'm trying to say is, I miss you. I want to be with you. And if you say some fucked up thing about Chayse, I will personally take care of him for you. I don't want you with him. Fuck, I want you as far away from him as possible."

Again, I didn't say anything. But I did however start crying. Not like that cute romantic crying where no matter how hard the girl cries, she looks beautiful. No. I had mascara stains all down my cheeks and all around I did not look beautiful.

Luke didn't care about that, he only made his way over to the bed and held me as I cried even harder. This went on for what seemed like forever.

It was honestly like a dream come true having Luke so close to me, yet I knew I couldn't let this turn out like last time. But no matter how hard I tried, all my feelings for Luke shot up and took over.

"I'd chose you over anyone. Please, Luke, I need out of this," I begged with tears still falling from my eyes. His dull blue eyes looked at me with sadness, then he just pulled me closer.

He kissed the top of my head. "I promise he won't hurt you anymore."

We stayed like that for hours. Even when my dad got home, he came to check on me, got the hint and left the trailer.

Once my crying finally calmed down, Luke pulled down my hood to look at my swelling eye. He then asked if he could see the other bruises. At first I hesitated, then caved. I threw my sweater to the side and sat in front of Luke in just my bralette. He could see every healing and forming bruise that covered me. He even got to see the hickyies that were forced onto me.

It took him a bit to process all of it, which I don't blame him, but when he did he pulled me into his chest once again.

The rest of the night was spent in each others arms, but neither of us talked much.

It was nice and for the first time in a very long time, I felt safe.