kik → a.i ⋆ c.h

27

-TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, SELF HARM, SLIGHT SUGGESTION OF EATING DISORDERS-

is it bad that i'm hoping you're broken? it's so bad, i know. but i'm half naked and 100% drunk on my couch right now so i don't really care. i know that's bad, sorry. i know i'm the one who ended it, but now i've had a few drinks and i'm reallyyyyyy regretting it. i've been thinking about you way too much lately, but you've moved on, so.

is it bad that i want to go to la just for you? is it bad that i want to tell you i love you whenever i'm drunk? i've been eating breakfast alone and my bed is cold and empty all the time, and you probably don't feel the same but i still want to know.

i'm terrified of moving on, but you're already gone and there's nothing i can do. you're moving on too, right? you're happy with him and you're in love. but is it bad that i still want to be in his position?

"Fuck," Luke laughs dryly as he tosses his phone to the side and quickly takes a drag of his cigarette as he stands up from the couch, heading towards the bathroom.

He walks into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He puts out the cigarette as he turns  the shower on high, sighing as he leans his head against the wall for a moment.

As Luke waits for the shower to heat up, he glances at his reflection in the mirror and absolutely despises every bit of the person staring back at him. He hates the fact that he hasn't had a proper meal in a week, and that he hasn't showered in three days or brushed his teeth or his hair or changed his clothes.

"How did I get here?' He mentally questions himself, attempting to swallow but being met with what seems like swallowing needles. 'Everyone's gone. You drove them all away.'

Luke steps into the shower, scalding water rushing over him. He stands under the water, tears mixing with it as he stares at the wall.

"Is anyone there at all?' He thinks, wondering where everything went wrong; where it was along the line that he lost everyone.

"Ashton's gone, Michael's gone, I'm barely hanging on to Calum.' Luke cries as all of his mistakes flood his mind once again. "Fuck!" He yells, knocking shampoo and soap bottles down as he swung his arms. He's never known what his breaking point would finally be, but he decides this is it as he tugs at the ends of hair, sobbing as he sinks to the shower floor.

"Fuck," Luke sobs as he feels what he would describe as his entire world crumbling around him. "Is anyone even there at all?" He mutters, barely above a whisper anymore.

"Luke?" He hears a small voice from outside the bathroom door. He chooses to ignore it.

"Lu?" The bathroom door opens, and Arzaylea is met with a wave of steam. "What the fuck is going on?" She walks in slowly. "Jesus, are you okay?" She gasps when she sees Luke sitting in the shower.

"They're all fucking gone." Luke whimpers. "They're all gone and I drove them away and I-"

"Holy shit!" Arzaylea yelps, pulling her hand out from the shower water. "Oh my god, how the hell are you sitting in this water?" She quickly turns the shower off. She grabs a towel from the cabinet and wraps it around Luke's shoulders. "What the hell is going on?"

Luke stares at the wall, now silent as tears roll down his face.

Arzaylea sighs. "Come on, love, you can't sit in the shower forever." She says softly.

Luke complies, standing up and stepping out of the shower. Arzaylea pulls the towel from Luke's shoulders and wraps it around his waist, leading him to his bedroom. Luke sits on the bed, staring down at his hands in his lap. "I think I'm gonna kill mysef." He whispers.