The Breaking The Healing

Being with you felt so wrong.

I was traveling on Sunday, Sunday at 6am I had to be at the airport. We had a deal on Saturday we will spend it all together so I will spend Friday with my family and Saturday with him. During the whole week I never saw him. It was my very last day with him. I expected it to be the best day ever, I expected because I always kept having so much hope in him on appreciating me. I made sure to wake up early to leave him a nice message to wake up to for his exam and that.
He called me as soon as he finished his exam and he told me how he did in it and I felt happy that he was relaxed and happy about how he did. Then we made a deal on when we wanna leave and shit. I got ready and everything then he arrived and everything was cool at the beginning I was cool so was he. I told him I wanna have a serious talk with him and his reply was "Please don't let it be something that will change my mind and thoughts and calculations." I was like what? What the hell that means I said no I just wanna talk about how much I appreciate you and that. So we went on a drive even tho I was upset of the way he said that but I didn't wanted to act dramatic I was just fed up with his treatment towards me so when he would say let's get this girl I would be like yeah Ill help you get her even if it was killing me from inside to see him seeing me never enough for him.
Then we were on the airport drive way, he parked there. And I told him he means so much to me and no matter what happens I will always be here for him and stick by his side and he will be a very successful person no matter what and whenever he needs me he shouldn't think twice of coming to me, I will be here. He is a huge part of my life and as much as he is important to me I get upset when we fight and shit and that he reached to a point of controlling my moods that's how important he is to me and I tried to show him how much he means to me and how special he is and how happy I am that we got to meet after all that long time of taking through the internet. And he had no action but kissing me and that kiss felt nothing but sexual. Nothing. Even if I was having a heart conversation to him.
I kept having in mind wanting to ask
what am i to you
what am i to you
what am i to you
But it never came out of my mouth, I didn't wanted to bring myself down. I can't believe he said he wanted to visit his ex and he still loves her in front of my face.
You are an asshole.
You are not stupid to not see I have feelings for you.
I already was super down that I started drinking so I wouldn't fuck the day up. He was already super drunk. He wasn't as before with me, treating me in the nice way he was before, which also made me upset.
Then we parked somewhere else and he pulled me into him, I was drunk. And he asked me how I was feeling and I said happy. Then whatever happened happened which made everything worse.
He got what he wanted and he completely backed off. That was hurting like a motherfucker. He wasn't even looking at me. He was being rude, disrespectful talking about how much sex he was having the girls and all the fucked up shit that he knew it was hurting me. I was silent because he would fight me saying "he just wanna feel like himself around me and not think before saying any word." and it's totally okay to keep hurting me.
Before he would hold my hand, kiss me, be with me and he wasn't doing that. Why. What happened.
Then he wanted to meet my sister, she came and before she came he was being also rude towards me. He yelled at me. I stayed silent.
He was telling my sister about how his ex fucked him over and he threw his heart away and he's done with love and that even if he finds the right girl he will tell her he's not ready and he wants to care about the girl the same way he cares about himself. I just didn't wanted to stay with him, so then my sister left and we stayed. I said I wanna go home, I was broken.
So we parked by my house and I just started to cry not because I am gonna miss him or because I am leaving I started crying of how used i felt by him, how unwanted i felt by him. Then he hugged me and he was like seeing you cry makes me weak you're so important to me and you're someone i adore. Did he even mean that or was it because I was crying.
Then he was like what you said made me feel like I am worth a lot.
He
  Made
     Me
       Feel
         The
            Exact
                Opposite.

                             W O R T H L E S S

I cried myself out unable to sleep till my flight.