The Breaking The Healing

Message to Him.

I'm so damn in love with you pretty insane isn't it. I wish I had the ability to actually say and show you all of this and let you know how deeply in love with you I am. I pray almost everyday for you to fall in love with me back or at least show me that you care or half of your attention. i don't even know why you're are not giving me any chance or letting me in or showing me that you want me not just sexually or friends with benefits because i actually want you, i want to be the one for you as you are the one for me. you make me feel insane, crazy, shit personality not wanted not loved insecure which breaks me. I can't force someone to love me or fall in love with me, you use your ex as an excuse you stopped falling in love and why you threw your heart away but is it really the reason? or am i so hard to love or you're not into someone like me? or exactly what's happening you're so closed up. it hurts me so much, you're so selfish. you actually destroyed me. i just wanted to be wanted and needed by you that's all  and have you in love with me, i tried. i have a lot of questions for you, a lot of questions that i have zero answers for. i cried a lot of days and nights and hours over you. you were in love with me before, you said i make you feel safe and made you feel worth a lot, wanted then what the fuck am i doing wrong? what should i do? did you just really end up using me for your own benefit? really? why i'm trying to do everything to change my mind about this? no matter how much i talk nobody's going understand . i am broken and you are the reason why i am sad, hurt and broken. you make me feel like i'm so hard to love and be loved. you make me feel fucked up and worthless when i know i am doing my best to make you happy and make you feel like you e worth a lot.
are you missing me the way i am missing you? would you do everything to me with me the way i would do all of that for you?
a r e  y o u m i s s i n g m e ?
am i going to ever see you again? do you think about me the same way i am thinking about you? do you crave me the way i crave you? do you miss me.
why you're so heartless. i can't always be the one to die for you need and want you and not have any of that in return, it destroys my heart. i wish you loved me the way i love you. i am wondering how many more days and months will pass without hearing your voice. were you craving my kisses the same way i was craving yours? are you missing my lips on yours the way i am missing yours on mine? would you do everything to feel that again? how are you feeling, do you feel anything for me? i wish i had the answers to the billion questions i have, i never felt like this for anyone but you.
i am so fucking in love with you.
you're becoming my first and last thoughts. i don't know if i should be truthful and tell you everything or just keep it to myself, i don't want to let myself down and get rejected, this is my biggest fear.
as much as i want to admit the truth to you, i can't.
i hope you weren't just playing and using me. you know what's so crazy? you told not to build my hopes up on you because you're so fucked up and not to expect anything from you and you didn't show me any single sign of wanting me, why did i fall in love? you made it clear you don't want me. i had people saying it to my face " he doesn't want you" and it broke me into pieces and i cried for hours. i don't know what to do, i'm a mess.
as much as i want to get over you i really don't want because i have high hopes on you maybe loving me back at some or any point.
i wish you were honest and direct with me, i wish at some point you'd actually make me feel wanted from your side i wish you'd talk to me about it. i wish you loved me. i have so much to write so much to say but i don't know i'm numb.
what am i to you? the question i always wanna ask but i never do ask.
are you in love with me? no you're not.
and i have to fucking accept it.
it's so rainy outside and all i can think of is cuddling with you and being with you for endless hours. i have never craved anyone the way i crave you. why can't you just fall in love with me and want me. why. i wish you were mine, i wish.
you treated me horribly, still treating me as i am worthless and nothing and i am still here to this second waiting for you to want me and love me and i am still here deeply in love with you and waiting for you to notice me.

i am truly so in love with you.