-Unhealthy Obsession-

.34. Jumbled Thoughts and Regret

My heart rammed against my chest at the sudden thought. Why? Why do I keep thinking like this? I don't want to kill her! I don't want to be like my father, I can't.

I breathed heavily, gripping at my hair, trying not to crash the car.

"Stop it..." I growl to myself, tugging on my hair. "stop thinking like that."

Run her over. Kill the baby.

My teeth gritted and I yanked out a few hairs, purposely inflicting pain to scold myself.

Stop thinking like this.

I try to calm my breathing.

Throw her out the moving car

Please!

Slit her throat

I bit my lip so hard I drew blood. What are these thoughts? Why do I get them? I never want to bring harm upon my Mia. I've been doing good with restricting myself from doing so! I truly don't want to hurt her.

Quickly, before any more thoughts came up, I shook Mia awake, not taking my eyes off the road. "Mia, wake up, please."

"Huh?" she mumbled. "Wha's wrong?"

"I..you..I'm sorry. Were you dreaming?" I just needed to get her talking. Drown out the sounds of my own thoughts.

"Um...n..wait, yes."

"Please. Tell me about it." I gripped the steering wheel.

"Why?"

"Please?"

She sighed and I imagined her rolling her eyes. "It was some...wacky dream. When I used to party back when I was a freshman in college, I'd usually be having fun, but everything was huge and I was like an ant. I was trying to avoid being stepped on and climbed up walls and then fell into a keg tank filled to the brim with alcohol. I miss alcohol.."

"Well it's bad for you." I frown. "I'm glad you don't get to drink it anymore."

"Yeah but, I drank at least twice every week. It soothes me whenever I was stressed. Or sad."

"You have me now!" I bite down my anger, trying to replace it with a smile. "That stuff was killing you from the inside out. Rotting your organs."

"Have you ever tasted alcohol?" She scoffed, folding her arms. "It does help. Well, for me, I suppose."

"Yes, I've drank my fair share of alcohol, but it doesn't do me wonders like it does you. I don't become the life of the party. I get sad."

"Oh..." she hissed through her teeth. "So you're a depressed drunk?"

I took a breath and tightened my fingers around the steering wheel. "Yes."

"Sorry 'bout that."

I shrugged and took a glance at her. "How do you feel right now?" I pushed, just making sure I won't hear anymore bad thoughts.

"You're going to be mad if I tell you."

"Huh?" I turn my head, arching an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because I don't like you right now." she huffed, pulling her blanket up to her chin. I look at the road, not knowing how to feel.

"Why are you angry with me?" I ask gently, now feeling actually kind of hurt.

"I didn't say I was angry, I said I don't like you."

"Why sweetheart?" I frowned. "What'd I do?"

She adjusted her body so her back was facing me. "Many things."

"I'll try to fix them, I promise. Tell me what I did."

"You know what you did." she snapped. "but the fact that you don't know saddens me."

My frown deepened and something uncomfortably sat in the pit of my stomach. My heart twisted and I looked at her.

Okay, think Andrew. Was it pushing her out a window? Shooting some guys fingers off? Uh..c'mon Andrew! Cutting her hair? Uhm..leaving the cabin? Not letting her see her parents? Insult her drinking habits? Wow...I've done a lot of shit.

I take a breath and look at her again. "I know I've done a lot but, there's not much I can do to fix those."

"Well then you're not sorry."

"I am. I don't mean to make you sad, sweetheart. I'm doing these things to protect you."

"Yeah okay." 

My whole body slumped. Why was she acting this way? There was no reason just start acting like this. I sighed and rubbed my face. 

"I'm sorry, Amelia."

"For what?" she snarled. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel, my stomach knotting. 

"Just...everything I've done. The good and bad."

"Oh please, don't be sorry." the sarcasm dripped from her tongue, her voice sharp like venom. The air around me got tense. 

"I'm not sorry about that." 

"Then what is it?" she finally looked at me. 

"I'm apologizing because even after all of this, I still can't let you go."

~Authors Note~

Sorry it's a shorty.