On Thin Ice

04

Before I came out, going out with my hockey team was an every weekend occurrence. We would spend Friday and Saturday night together and then go out together again after church on Sundays. At the time it was great, since they were all my close friends, but once I was cast out I didn't know if I would ever feel that sense of belonging again.

Sitting in the burger shop with my new hockey team wasn't exactly a comfortable experience. These guys had been friends since they had been on the team together, and all of a sudden and new comer was intruding on their get together.

I was that new comer. And I definitely felt like an outcast.

Ryan and Jude did their best to help me feel included, but I was practically being ignored by the rest of them. Part of me wondered if Fox told them to keep away from me. That would explain why his friend, Ian, was already being so cold to me without even knowing me. Either that, or he was a homophobe.

"So Elijah," Ryan started as I took a sip of my shake. All eyes were on me for the first time this afternoon and I didn't know whether I was happy with the attention, or if it made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

"How was your night with Trevor?" Ryan asked suggestively, moving his eyebrows.

My face heat up as I hear Josh chuckle from beside me. I didn't dare look at Fox, knowing there was a scowl being directed at me.

"It was, uh, it was fine," I stammered, looking down at my plate.

"Just fine?" Jude asked smugly, sharing a look with Ryan.

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Quite frankly, I didn't want to say anything else at all.

"I'm confused," Alex stated with his mouth full of veggie burger. "Are you and Trevor goin' out or somethin'?"

I groaned aloud to which Josh started laughing at my expense along with Ryan and Jude. Alex continued looking as confused as ever, looking to Ian and Fox as if they would explain the situation to him.

"We're just messing with you, Ellis," Ryan laughed, shaking his head playfully. "Lighten up a bit."

I sent him a closed lip smile and looked back down at my plate. I knew I should take Ryan's advice and lighten up a bit, but I couldn't help but struggle with feeling like I didn't belong anywhere at my new school. Not only did I feel out of place with the GSA kids, but I felt like an outsider on my own hockey team. My team was supposed to be my family, but it felt as though I connected with no one at this school, despite being welcomed by quite a few people.

"I'm still confused," Alex interjected, his face looking lost.

I looked over to Fox and noticed him roll his eyes out of annoyance before taking a small sip of his shake in front of him.

"You're an idiot," Fox told Alex pointedly.

Alex just waved him off and took a bite of his veggie burger, completely unbothered by Fox's insult.

"You ready for real practice to start next week, Ellis?" Jude asked, changing the subject, which I was grateful for.

I nodded. "I'm sure I'll manage."

My response elicited a scoff from Fox and I shot him an offended look. Surely he wouldn't have let me on the team if he thought I couldn't handle it, but at this moment he was acting as if he knew I couldn't. Maybe he was just hoping I would fail.

"What?" I asked, directing my offense at Fox. "You think I can't handle it?"

Fox looked surprised that I had called him out, but he quickly recovered and sent me a cold look with his eyes dark and stormy, void of any recognizable emotion.