On Thin Ice

31

Pain in its physical form was manageable. It would go away with time and until then, you could just pop a pain reliever. Emotional pain was much more complex. There was no real cure. You either got over it or you didn't. The emotional pain I felt wasn't just from the events earlier in the day but from months of bottled up emotions that have finally come to the surface to suffocate me. I didn't feel like I was breathing but I knew that I was.

A dull throb ached in my ankle as I limped down the sidewalk away from my house. I obviously wasn't very experienced in sneaking out my window, stumbling on the way out and rolling my ankle in the process.

Tears furiously fell down my cheeks, my hand roughly swiping them away as I stormed down the sidewalk. It was like all of the feelings I kept inside were pouring out and there was no way I could stop it.

My chest heaved and my ankle throbbed while my feet carried me wherever they wanted without the permission of my mind. The only thing on my mind was the feeling of true loneliness.

I didn't know how long I had been walking, but it must have been a while because eventually my hair and clothes were damp with rain and my feet took me to the last place I wanted to be.

The church.

I stood in front of it for a few moments, flashbacks of when I used to come here with my friends rushing through my head. I looked at the stone steps in front of the door and remembered when one of my old teammates, Landon, was messing around with Micah and ended up sending him tumbling down the steps. Micah scratched up his leg pretty badly, but we all laughed it off.

I looked past the church and toward the empty parking lot and remembered sitting there in Micah's car and telling him that I was gay. I remember the stoic look on his face and the way he said nothing as he put the car in drive and drove me home.

The memories haunted me.

My feet had a mind of their own as they dragged me up the stone steps and past the heavy wooden doors into the church.  No one had come by to lock the doors yet. They used to leave at least one door unlocked all the time for anyone who wanted to pray but someone had come in and vandalized the church, so members had arranged for people to come lock all the doors every night.

It had felt like ages since I had stepped foot in here. The red carpet looked brighter than I remembered it but the wooden pews looked just as hard and uncomfortable as ever. I glanced up at the second level, remembering the Sundays I had sat up there with my friends while my mother and Dave sat below with the other parents.

I slowly walked down the aisle and stopped at the end. The altar still looked beautiful, decorated for Christmas. I slid into the front pew, taking a deep breath.

It was too overwhelming to be here. Memories from my past whirled around in my head, mixing with my emotions. I choked out a sob and the waterworks I hadn't even noticed had stopped, continued again. I slid further into the pew and positioned myself flat on my back, staring up at the high ceiling as tears poured out of the corner of my eyes.

I was pathetic. I wished I could just allow myself to open up and truly integrate into my new life, but it was so hard. And I was so tired. I was scared of getting too comfortable and caring too much. My fears and anxieties only burdened everyone around me.

Josh didn't deserve my shit. Dad didn't deserve my shit. Fox deserved to have someone who could be what he needed. All I did was complicate things for everyone.

"Elijah?" an astonished voice called out. I didn't have to look to know it was Micah. He was my best friend at one point, I would know his voice from anywhere.