Runner

Chapter 8

Unedited.

8 weeks later....
(12 weeks until due date.... 24 weeks of living in Colorado)

Working before the sun comes up is a bakers reality unfortunately. In order to have yummy warm treats for people with their coffee you have to start early.

Luckily I have never minded the mornings or the work. The quiet kitchen is peaceful as I kneed the dough. This is the only time of the day that my thoughts are allowed to fill the room as I work.

My feelings for Texas are confusing and are intense for someone I barely know. I have never felt this way for anyone not even Red who for a long time I thought was the love of my life. Red hurt me he proved to me that I am undeserved of love. That no one will ever be able to love me in return. He should be enough proof to stay away from trying to find love. I should have learned my lesson with him.

I don't want this to be happening. I do not want to feel butterflies in my belly when Texas walks into the room. My heart shouldn't skip a beat when he calls my unborn child his "future." I do not want my eyes to travel around a room just to see where he is, what he's doing. I do not want to look forward to our morning conversations. And I don't need to be worrying about anyone but Zaylee and I. But it's like my heart has a mind of its own with him. How tragic. My heart is a big dummy.

Coming home after the party I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't get over how safe he made me feel, how excited I was to see his reaction. Thoughts of Texas kept invading my brain like a bad habit. I had told Kelsey about my interactions with her brother, not able to keep my mouth shut. I didn't know what else to do, and I have no one else to talk to. So it was a lot like word vomit.

Kelsey was shocked. She didn't think that I had ever given Texas a second thought. Little does she know he is the only thing I can think about most of the time.

She had confessed to me that her brother has had feelings for me for a long time and "really likes me." She encouraged me to give him a chance. But she also reassured me that we would friends no matter what and that his feelings are his own making them his problem.

"It is not your responsibility to make him feel good. If he tries pressuring you into anything tell me and I kick him in the balls! If he doesn't see you are worth waiting for then he is even more of an idiot then I already think he is." She had said with so much conviction I almost wonder if she just wants an excuse to kick him in the balls.

I had laughed off our conversation and changed the subject but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I'm so screwed.

A part of me wonders if I could have what Kelsey, Summer, and Megan have with their bikers.

Watching them was almost painful because I am so jealous of them. I hate myself for it but it can't be stopped. The way their mens eyes track their every move, the way they jump in to help them before even asked, the sweet kisses, soft words, and just the support they offer their "old ladies." It's beautiful and something I have never had.

I want what they have so much. But isn't wanting that what got me into trouble last time? Isn't that why I hurt so much?

Texas should look for someone who isn't broken, someone who is okay with his lifestyle. Because every time I try to imagine an "us" all I can see is me hurt in the end.

He isn't a one woman kind of man I have heard the old ladies say it. He has a reputation for loving them and leaving them and that isn't what I want......is it?

I mean do I just want a couple nights in bed? Is it okay to want that as a Mom? Technically Zalley isn't here yet so is that okay? Does that make me cheap?