Esteem

Chapter 11

CLAIRE

I walk alone back to the room I was supposed to be staying in with Alyssa. It is a long walk from the spot where I stood with Ashton, but it passes by quickly as my thoughts get ahead of me. My bones feel like they have turned to jello in my skin, and it is not an unpleasant feeling.

But my mind is reeling. Why is it not an unpleasant feeling? It should be. I should not be kissing Ashton. The Ashton that I know (or that I thought I knew) wouldn't be kissing me anyway. My head aches and my stomach turns when I think of Jeremy. Why don't I feel guilty? Do I feel guilty?

I lay on my back on a sleeping bag on the arena floor, gazing up at the dark ceiling.

I should not have let that happen. I should not have to wonder if I should feel guilty. But most of all, I should not be lying here, wondering where Ashton is and what he is thinking.

ASHTON

"Where were you?" Luke is wide awake in the room that we are sharing when I finally get back. I just shrug. I had wandered the halls for at least an hour after walking away from Claire, trying to clear my head. Thinking about what happened causes me physical pain, it is easier to try to forget and feel nothing. "Ashton. It's three o'clock in the morning. Where were you?"

"I couldn't sleep," I mumble, grabbing a pillow and laying down on the floor.

"So you go wander the halls in the dark? You're going to get yourself killed!"

"Relax, Luke. I'm fine, obviously." He sighs, switching off the light and joining me on the floor.

"Is it getting bad again?" He says softly.

"No," I whisper. "It's a one-time thing."

Luke is the only person who knows everything I've been through, every single one of my psychological quirks. Several years ago, I suffered from grueling nightmares, so bad that I would avoid sleep altogether.

I used to wake up in a cold sweat, and Luke was always awake too. I know I probably woke him up, but I also knew that he couldn't stand to go back to sleep while I was being tortured in my mind.

"You would tell me, right?" He asks in the dark. "You would tell me, if it was getting bad?"

"Of course I would." I am not sure if I am telling him the truth. It is not getting bad again, but if it was, would I tell him? Could I? I shake off the question; it doesn't matter.

I stare at the ceiling as Luke's breaths turn heavy and steady next to me. There is no escaping my thoughts now, not here in the dark as I lie still. Claire. She kissed me. Or I kissed her...did I? Either way, she kissed me back. That feeling, the feeling of her fingers in my hair, her skin on mine... that's how it's supposed to feel. She did kiss me.

But she pulled away. "I can't" she had said. I wish I had let her explain, I wish I hadn't walked away so quickly. Why? Why can't she?

But I know why. There are so many reasons why Claire Kennedy would not want to kiss me.

CLAIRE

I wake up in the arena and instantly regret sleeping on the floor; my back is stiff and my neck aches. Not to mention the way my heart throbs unexplainably in my chest.

"Claire bear?" A voice asks from above me. "Are you awake, baby?"

I roll over onto my back and open my eyes, squinting in the sudden light. A tall, dark figure looms over me, and I sit up as much as I can, trying to get a closer look.

Jeremy drops to his knees beside me so that we are face to face. I rub my eyes, trying to diffuse the sudden guilt I feel in my bones. I hadn't felt it last night, but now? Now that Jeremy is right in front of me, his puppy dog eyes looking immensely sorry...now I feel guilty.

"Hey," my voice cracks, and I remember that I am still mad at him. Even still, the guilt outweighs the anger.

"Hey babe," Jeremy brings his hand to my face, and I can't help but lean into his palm.

"What are you doing here?" I murmur. My voice is exhausted.

"I couldn't stand thinking that you were still mad at me." His angry, tough-guy act has faded, and once again I catch a glimpse of the man I fell in love with. Why can't he be here, always? Jeremy's eyes flicker to the floor. "Are you still mad, Claire?"

I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. I am still mad, not for the particular situation that he caused, but for his behavior in general.

"Kind of... no... I don't know." My head falls into my hands and Jeremy scoots closer to me, pulling me into his arms.

"What is it, baby? What can I do?"

I let out another breath and am surprised when it is accompanied by a sob. Jeremy holds me closer, rocking me back and forth on his lap as I cry breathlessly into his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," he murmurs. "I'm so sorry," over and over again.

"What are you sorry for?" I ask finally, wiping my eyes.

"Everything," he says immediately.

"What, Jeremy? I need to know what."

"For saying what I said to you, especially about the drummer kid." I flinch, but he doesn't notice. "I'm sorry Claire, he just... he really gets under my skin."

"Why?" I ask. I know that I should absolutely not be inviting conversation about Ashton, but his statement caught me off guard and I want to know the answer.

"I mean, he obviously has a thing for you. And that night in the club, I know he was there and I wasn't. And I think... it kind of scared me, when you said that. That I wasn't there. I should have been there, Claire, and I'm sorry. I don't know what it is about me lately, but I promise I'll try harder..."

Jeremy keeps talking but he is no longer discussing Ashton and I find myself uninterested in any other subject.

"Okay?" He asks me, flashing his puppy dog eyes again. I didn't hear what he said.

"Okay," I say, not sure what I am agreeing to. Jeremy's eyes relax and he places his fingers under my chin, tilting my face to his.

The kiss is normal for us, but it feels wrong. Jeremy's hands rest on my shoulders, not in my hair. He doesn't pull me to him, he doesn't exhale in passion, he is not Ashton.

The moment the thought crosses my mind, I break the kiss. Jeremy's hand rests against my face again. "Thank you, baby," he says softly. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," I tell him. And it's true, but I mean it more deeply than he does. I miss him, I miss the old him. It crosses my mind that I do not love him anymore, and I wonder why I don't act on that. It used to be because I was comfortable with him, regardless of my feelings. But now... I am not comfortable. Especially since now I know exactly what can exist outside of Jeremy's world.

So why don't I act on it? Why do I take his hand and pull him up, letting him pull me to his side? Why do I let him intertwine our fingers and kiss me on the cheek like nothing is wrong? Everything is wrong. I feel nothing for him, but at the same time, I can't stop having feelings for him. He is the only boy I've ever loved, until... no. He is the only one.

Alyssa rolls her eyes when Jeremy and I walk by her in the hallway, which causes his arm to tighten around my waist almost painfully. Times like these I feel like he uses me as a pawn in a game that only he cares about winning.

I have slept late, it is past noon already. The arena is crawling with people again, and the shattering drum beats that resonate backstage alert me to the fact that 5 Seconds of Summer is already sound checking. Panic rises inside of me like a tide and I don't know what to do, how to handle or confront Ashton.

But my worry proves to be for naught as he exits the stage, his eyes flashing down to my hand in Jeremy's, not even glancing towards me. And then he is gone.