Esteem

Chapter 21

CLAIRE

There is something that they are not telling me. Something that everyone knows that they are deliberately keeping me in the dark about. Part of me knows that it is for a good reason, but as I sit in my dressing room, pacing, I want to know what it is. My phone has mysteriously disappeared, and every time that happens Alyssa is the culprit, trying to keep something from me.

A knock sounds at my door and I am glad for the distraction. I am driving myself crazy. Ashton is standing on the other side of the door and I know I should question letting him in, but I don't. I don't question Ashton as an instinct, even though I should. I don't do anything that I should when it comes to him.

He looks immediately tense and distracted. "What's going on?" I ask, stopping myself from stepping closer to him. He looks distraught, waves of tension rolling off of him.

"Claire, I-"  he cuts himself off, running his hands over his hair. This time I don't fight my instinct to be closer to him, I need it and he needs it. I step forward and wrap my hand around his arm.

"Ash, what?" I whisper. I feel an overwhelming urge to comfort him.

"I'm so sorry," he practically moans.

"About what?" I am so confused.

Wordlessly, Ashton hands me a magazine and my heart sinks before I even glance at the cover.

No. No, no, no.

I read the cover and I feel like I might be sick. My hands shake and I feel as if my knees are giving out. I take the magazine and stumble backwards, until my legs find the couch. I practically fall onto it, opening the magazine to the indicated page. Ashton stands silent as I read.

It's trouble in paradise for young Hollywood's most treasured couple, Jeremy Brogan and Claire Kennedy. Last week, reports broke that the pair split over supposed infidelity, a story which Jeremy Brogan confirmed for us in an exclusive interview. While Kennedy has yet to make a statement on the split, Brogan is nothing but open about the subject. It might come as a shock to many that 'America's Sweetheart' Claire Kennedy is the Black Widow in the relationship.

"Claire and I have been together for a little over a year," Brogan told us. "Everyone knew that, everyone knew she was taken, but that didn't stop him."

The 'him' that Brogan is referring to is none other than Ashton Irwin, drummer from the newly popular rock band, 5 Seconds of Summer. According to Brogan, Irwin, who is on the road with Kennedy as the supporting act for her fall tour, had eyes for Kennedy since the first time the two met.

"He was all over her," Brogan commented. "I never thought that Claire would be the type to cheat, I never thought that she could break my heart like that. She's not that innocent girl that I used to know, not anymore. She let him f*** her, she would never be intimate with me, but she let him f*** her." Brogan, clearly heartbroken, paused before continuing. "I guess I just want to know why. I want to know what he has that I don't, what would make her choose him over me. I thought I knew her better than that, I thought she was better."

Claire Kennedy has yet to comment on the situation, but it seems that the cat is finally out of the bag. 'America's Sweetheart' isn't as sweet as she might seem.

I gape wordlessly at the article for a minute before tossing it onto the table and resting my head in my hands. Ashton is at my side in a split second, not touching me, not too close.

"I'm so sorry," he says again.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask, finally lifting my face. "You haven't done anything wrong, this is all him."

"I know. I'm just sorry that this is happening, it's not fair to you."

"It's not fair to you either, Ashton. This is just as much about you as it is about me, I'm the one who should be sorry. I am sorry."

"You shouldn't be sorry either," he argues. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah, but this wasn't your fight. All you tried to do was take care of me, help me, and look where it got you. Shit," I groan, rubbing my temples. "Where's my phone?"

"Alyssa has it," Ashton says sheepishly. "She's going to kill me for showing you that. I just thought you should know."

This is the kind of thing that scares me about Ashton, his desire to protect me, and his knowledge of how to do it. He wishes to guard me, not to shelter me. He does not hide things from me, he does not try to keep me in the dark for my own benefit. He understands that I need the light.

"Thank you," I murmur. "I did need to know."

Moments of silence pass between us as we contemplate the situation.

"What are we going to do?" I whisper.

"I wish I knew," Ashton murmurs. I drop my head into my hands again and Ashton's arm goes around me. It feels so natural, so instinctual. I just lean into him and let his arms circle around me, feeling suddenly safe in the middle of a hurricane.

Ashton's hand runs over my hair repeatedly; I don't know how long we sit like this but it is not long enough. I feel Ashton begin to pull away, but he doesn't release me entirely. He looks down at me at the same time that I look up at him, and when our eyes lock there is electricity in the air again.

We are frozen in time, this moment never changing, and I pull my head back a little. There are still only mere inches between our faces.

"I don't want to kiss you again," I whisper.

Ashton's eyes search my face. "Yes you do," he breathes.

And he is right, I know it in my heart that he is right, and I lean forward until our lips are barely touching. "What are we doing?" I breathe.

"I don't care," he groans. Ashton's fingers braid into my hair as his mouth finds mine, and we are all passion and confusion and something else that I am afraid to identify.

I can't breathe but it is the most glorious pain; this feeling is better than air in my lungs.

"Claire," Ashton whispers into my mouth reverently, and I know that he still hasn't seen me for what I am. My hand goes to his face and I love the stubble on his jaw, the way his hair falls into his face, the way he groans when I push it back.

This feels so wrong, but so, so right, and I don't want to stop it.

"I won't hurt you," Ashton murmurs as we finally pull apart. His hand finds my face and I can't help but lean into his palm. "I will never hurt you, Claire."

I believe him.

I just wish that I could say the same.