Esteem

Chapter 37

ASHTON

The roads are icy and slippery, and the car that is taking Claire and I to the airport has been sitting in traffic for an hour. Her emotions continue to get the best of her, even now. It was hours ago when we'd said goodbye to my family. Claire cried about as much as my mom did, especially saying goodbye to Sophie. They have formed a strong bond over these past few days, and I think I know why.

Sophie has never had a sisterly figure to look up to, and Claire has never had someone so honest in her life. They balance each other, Sophie's domineering fearlessness giving them both something to lean on. Claire doesn't have a lot of friends, and it makes me laugh that one of them is a five year old.

Claire reaches out suddenly and takes my hand in both of hers. I could easily hold her tiny hands in one of mine, but I let her play with my fingers absentmindedly for a while. "Are goodbyes easy for you?" She asks. She looks up into my eyes and sadness colors the blue even bluer.

"No," I tell her honestly. "They never are. But I'm not saying goodbye to you. I think if I had to say goodbye to everything at once, it might kill me."

"You think it would, but it doesn't," she muses, looking back out the window. The realization hits me that she seems to be speaking from experience. I shift our hands in my lap so that I am the one holding hers, running my thumb along the back of her hand.

"We don't have to do this," I whisper. "We don't have to go anywhere, you don't have to tell me anything."

"It's time," she sighs. "It's been too long, I've avoided it for too long."

"I don't want you to be hurting," I murmur.

"That's it though, Ashton. I am hurting, I am always hurting from this. I'm hoping that maybe going will be the end of it."

I want to ask her questions, find out exactly what we are about to walk into. But I don't, and I can't. I am so worried, less for myself and more for her. Whatever is in Alabama clearly holds more meaning for her than it does for me.

Claire goes quiet again, but she leans into me when my arms go around her. On some level, I know that she is counting on me to protect her. I wish I could tell her that I can only protect her from the monsters on the outside. She will have to fight her own demons herself.

CLAIRE

A car picks us up in Birmingham, and the keys are immediately turned over to me. It has not been snowing here, it is warm in comparison to New York. Something about the Alabama air seems to already be suffocating me, I struggle to take deep breaths.

"We don't have to," Ashton tells me again, taking my hand on the center console and rubbing it reassuringly. "We can turn around, Claire."

"I can't," I shake my head. "We've already come this far. It's taken me four years to come this far." I don't mean to say it, I mean to keep the information as tightly bottled up as possible, but that wouldn't be fair. Ashton has come into this blindly, letting me lead him into the dark unknown.

What do I gain from keeping secrets from him? I take a deep breath.

"We have two hours until we get where we're going," I start to tell him. "It's a small town called Barkley, Alabama."

"What's there?" He asks.

"My family is there. What's left of them, anyway."

"And do you...?"

"I don't speak to them," I answer his question though it trails off. Ashton doesn't ask why, he just nods. I find myself wanting to tell him why anyway. "Ashton, I have a lot of secrets."