Esteem

Chapter 18

ASHTON

Claire's performance tonight is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Not because you can tell that she is unstable, but because you can't. There is absolutely no indication whatsoever that something is wrong with Claire. She is too good at concealing, she is too good of an actress.

I don't know what to do with myself. While I am technically not a part of this situation, I am too close to be far enough removed not to care.

Claire had said that she didn't need me to be the hero, and maybe she doesn't. But she needs someone, evidenced by the fact that she is incapable of protecting herself. It makes me angry almost, that she is so intent on being independent.

Like Alyssa said, she tries too hard to be strong.

Claire doesn't even glance my way after she exits the stage, and it is gut-wrenching to see her visibly shrink the moment she is out of the spotlight. Gone is the all-powerful Claire Kennedy, replaced by a girl whose privacy and trust have been violated.

I feel like I am an offender, having betrayed her trust by telling Alyssa the gist of the situation with Jeremy. But then again, worse has been done to her. I hope that she can forgive me.

On a tour this big, we are lucky to have several overnight dates, good for rest and catching up on sleep. However, tonight as I lay awake alone in my hotel room, I almost wish I was on a moving bus. The sound of the weathered pavement underneath the tires is reassuring; the feeling of knowing that thousands of people have traveled the same path with different destinations. Thinking about the connections between everyone in the world sends my mind reeling into oblivion, and I never notice falling asleep.

But tonight, everything is too still. I can hear every creak, every whisper of fabric as I toss and turn, wondering if Claire is doing the same. But I don't have to wonder long, because when I hear a soft knock on my door at three in the morning, there is not a question in my mind who it is.

The door opens with ease and Claire is in the doorway, looking lost as ever. Her eyes travel down my bare torso before they snap back up to my face. Her emotions change so frequently that I can't pinpoint just one, but she seems to come in peace. She lets out a grateful sigh as she walks past me.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Why do you always ask me that question?" She asks.

I think for a moment. "Because I never know what the answer will be."

Claire nods her head, seeming to accept my explanation. "I don't know," she whispers, looking up at me with shiny eyes. "I don't know if I'm okay. I don't think I am."

"Well thank God," I mumble.

"What?" Claire seems hurt and a little confused. I sit down on the side of the bed, gesturing for her to join me.

"I'm glad you've stopped insisting that you're okay when you are not. I think that's the root of it, really, Claire. You keep saying 'I'm fine,' you've said it so often that it's stopped meaning anything."

She seems to mull over my words. "Why are you so nice to me?" She asks.

"Because I like you," I give her a small smile.

"Why?" She asks. "I've been awful to you."

"There was a time when I was awful to you," I remind her. "And you still like me. At least you do most of the time, I think." Claire laughs a little, and I want to keep her talking. "I'm sorry that I told Alyssa, Claire. I was just afraid."

"Were you afraid of Jeremy?" She asks.

"No. I was afraid of... you, actually."

"Me?" She raises her eyebrows.