Esteem

Chapter 45

ASHTON

"Are you ready?" Claire whispers. She has been sitting on my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck for at least an hour.

"Ready for what?" I ask, bewildered.

"Rehearsal starts in twenty minutes," she says. Her tone is confused, as if I should have known that she would want to rehearse as her world crashes down.

"Claire, no one expects you to-"

"Plenty of people expect me to," she cuts me off, standing up and pulling away from me. "I don't need to be treated like I'm broken, Ash."

I feel saying "but you are broken," only you should never say that to a broken person. It's like taking away their dignity, a key piece when trying to put them back together. If you say it aloud, that piece is gone and they might never be whole again.

So I let her go, wishing that she knew what was best for herself. What she needs is to stop. She needs to get away from here, she needs to take a break, she needs to fix herself before she can start trying to hold up everyone else. There will be ramifications, but her health and wellbeing should always come first. In this industry, everyone says that. But I'm learning that no one follows through. No one cares enough to.

Claire comes back downstairs, dressed in leggings and t-shirt. She looks effortlessly beautiful with no makeup on her face. I am waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs and I am a little surprised when she throws her arms around my neck.

"I love you," I she whispers. Her voice is heavy and sad.

"I love you, baby," I breathe into her hair.

CLAIRE

It is so hard to let go of Ashton, knowing what I know. There are times in life where you come to a crossroads and you are faced with two choices. One of them is fighting and one of them is running. My whole life, I've been taught to fight. Fighting is the better option, fighting takes strength and courage and it protects your dignity. But, I'm starting to see now, running takes courage too. Running is leaving behind things- and people- that your heart doesn't know how to live without.

It is a fine line between running and fighting; the deciding factor is how well you know yourself.

ASHTON

Claire's fingers draw patterns on the back of my hand as we drive to the rehearsal venue. She is quiet, lost in thought. That is how she is these days.

I love her so damn much.

I wish I could reach into her head and rearrange her thoughts so that she could see what she is worth. That in spite of what she comes from and in spite of everything that seems to be attempting to ruin her, she is beautiful and worthy and loved.

Claire is extra affectionate today. The relief on Alyssa's face is evident when they embrace, and I can tell that Claire never held a grudge against Alyssa. A part of me still does, though. Maybe someday I will know the reasons why she did what she did, why she gave that interview. I admire the fact that Claire doesn't even care to know. She is strong enough to let it roll off her shoulders. Or is she? Is it that she is strong, or is it that she just doesn't have to capacity to care anymore?

I pretend to listen to Calum talking about some new chord progression he wants to try, but I'm watching Claire intently. She is deep in conversation with Luke about something; she looks very earnest. I wish I could wipe that look of worry off her face. I watch as she steps forward and hugs Luke, who hugs her back almost uncomfortably. A moment of curiosity flickers in my mind, but soon enough we are all being shepherded into the rehearsal room.

It is difficult to focus on the music with everything going on in my head, but I do it. I owe it to these boys, to this band. They have been too understanding, too lenient with me lately.

I can see Claire watching us rehearse, her expression finally reading peace. I know she loves the way the shattering beats and the bass tone reverberate in her chest; it makes her feel like the music is inside her.

I am pleasantly surprised at how well Claire does when it is her turn to rehearse. She loses herself completely in the music, no matter how tired she is and how tired these songs are.

"Ash?" I turn around at the sound of Luke's voice behind me. "I know you've got a lot on your plate, but um..." why does he seem so nervous to talk to me? I turn to face him completely, giving him my full attention. "We miss you, man," he says. It comes out like an avalanche of a confession and my heart twists with guilt. "You should come hang after rehearsal. Just for a little while. We never see you anymore."

"I..." I look at Claire, who is exiting the stage now. She walks over to me and Luke, immediately leaning into me. She looks up at me, wrapped in one of my arms. "I think I might be needed somewhere else," I say apologetically to Luke.

"What?" Claire asks, stepping away from me. I will Luke not to answer, but of course he does.

"We were just hoping that Ashton could spare some time to hang out with us today," he says, staring her down intensely. I wish he wouldn't; the last thing she needs is to feel guilty on top of everything.

"You don't want to?" She asks, looking up at me.

"I, uh..." I stammer, looking between the two. Claire crosses her arms over her chest.

"Ashton," she huffs. "Go." She gives me a look that says 'I'll be fine,' and an eyeroll. She quickly kisses me on the cheek and wraps her arms around my neck "I love you," she whispers in my ear before pulling away. I reach out and brush a fallen strand of hair back into her swept up bun.

"Love you too," I murmur, trying to ignore the fact that Luke is watching us with a pained expression. What is with him?

"Bye, Luke," Claire says.

He just stands there, staring at her for a moment before heaving a deep sigh. "Bye, Claire," he says. There is an awkward moment of silence before Claire hugs him quickly, then walks away, leaving us to 'hang out.' I worry about her being alone, but I do need this time with my best friends. I've been neglecting them, and just because they understand does not mean that it's okay.

But as we leave the venue, I can't shake the feeling that I something is off. Some force in the universe shifted the moment I was separated from Claire, and I won't be able to breathe properly until I am with her again.

...

We end up at a restaurant downtown, and it is loud and hot. It does feel like old times, and for a moment I feel like I am the same person who first came to this city. We are all different now, though. So much harder, so much more attuned to this world. Luke gets up twice to take business phone calls, because whatever decisions we need to make can't wait a few hours. Everything is so fast-paced, everything is now.

My own phone vibrates in my pocket, and my body tenses at the thought that Claire could need me. But it's Alyssa's number on caller ID, and I answer without thinking.

"Hello?"

"Ashton? Where are you?" She sounds relieved.

"I'm at a restaurant downtown," I say slowly. "Why?"

"I've been calling Claire for an hour and she wasn't answering, I've been getting worried," she laughs. "Can I talk to her?"

"I'm not with Claire," I say slowly. I don't even notice that I've risen from the table until I look around and see all three of my bandmates watching me intently.

"Where is she?" Alyssa asks.

"Home," I say. I wrack my brains, trying to remember. Where is she?

"She's not home, Ashton," Alyssa says, panic creeping into her voice. "I've been standing outside for twenty minutes, she's not home."

"Well... where is she?" My hands are tugging at my hair as the pit in my stomach seems to grow deeper and deeper.

"I don't know," Alyssa sounds as panicked as I feel. "She wouldn't just leave, would she?"

I am about to tell her no, that of course Claire wouldn't do that.

But she would.