Esteem

Chapter 56

CLAIRE

It takes a while before I can collect my emotions enough to even stand up. It's barely past nine o'clock, but I walk to my bedroom anyway and crawl into bed. Ashton is right, I don't know what's best anymore. Maybe I never did.

But I can't believe that everything I did to leave him behind was for nothing. It did destroy me, but I was doing it to save him. Maybe that's our biggest problem. We would both willingly destroy ourselves to save one another. Then we both end up destroyed, and no one is saved.

I stare out the window for a solid hour, admiring the way that the summer storms roll in so quickly. Like Ashton, they come so unexpectedly, and then they are gone. The lightning cuts across the sky, and it reminds me of the way my heart slowly broke. There's one strike, and then a thousand little ones that spiral from it, and then it's all dark.

Light thunder rumbles across the sky and I feel like for once I can finally breathe.

I must finally drift off into sleep, because I wake with a start at the sound of a clap of thunder so loud I can feel it in my bones.

Ashton.

His bone-crushing fear of thunderstorms is something that I haven't even thought of in so long, I almost forgot. How long has it been storming? Where is he? I jump out of bed without thinking, unsure of what exactly I plan to do.

Quickly but quietly, I open my bedroom door and step into the hall. The dark house is eerie with the bright flashes of lightning, illuminating the room for a split second. It's funny the way the night seems black, but the lightning exposes it for dark blue. Maybe everything in life seems darker than it really is.

The house is completely silent as I pad over to Ashton's room, thunder echoing through the walls. I knock softly, though I doubt he'll be able to hear it. There is no response, and when I push the door open his bed is empty. My heart lurches in my chest at the thought of him crouched in a corner somewhere, shaking and afraid and alone.

I switch the light on, but this room is tiny and he is nowhere to be seen. I step back into the hall and close the door behind me. "Ashton?" I call softly. The only response is the thunder. "Ash?"

I walk into the kitchen, which is also empty. The strong smell of coffee lingers in the air, though I can't remember the last time I made any. I don't really drink it anymore.

Once I've checked every room, I really begin to worry. Ashton isn't here, or he's doing a really damn good job of hiding. Sudden panic seizes me. What if he left?

I rush to the front door and push it open, relaxing slightly when I see his rental car still parked exactly where he left it. I jump as thunder crashes through the air, and I reach to shut the screen door. A sudden creaking noise stops me in tracks, and I push the screen door open.

When I step onto the covered front porch, I see him. Ashton is sitting in one of the rocking chairs, a cup of coffee in his hand, looking out at the stormy sea. He barely flinches when the lightning cuts the sky in half and thunder rolls. I do, though. It feels like it's coming for me with a vengeance.

"Hi," he says, raising the coffee cup to his lips and not even looking at me. I just stare in stunned silence as thunder sounds twice more and Ashton sits still as a stone.

"You're not scared anymore?" I say softly, sinking into the chair next to his.

He turns his head to finally look at me, a sad smile on his face. "I've realized some worse fears of mine."

Tears fill my eyes and he reaches for me as they spill over, his gentle hand wiping them from my face and resting against my cheek.

I get it. It's me. I'm the worst fear.

Harsh wind blows and sprays us both with rain, though we are under the roof of the covered porch. It's cold but it feels good, it feels good to feel. A shiver rakes through my body and Ashton's other arm reaches for me. I let him guide me; I stand and he pulls me and suddenly I am in his lap, cradled with my face against his neck. He is so warm, even damp from the summer rain.

My hand reaches up to find his cheek, and the way we fit together is different but the same. Ashton brushes a few strands of wet hair off my forehead and his thumb runs across my lips, and everything I've fought for in the past six months seems to disintegrate under his touch.

My hand twists in his hair and I pull his face down to mine. The gentle force with which his lips take to mine really and truly takes my breath away. The wind blows again and my tears mix in with the rain as Ashton's hand pulls my hair back, saving it from the wind.

We finally break apart and the pain of the separation cracks through me like the lightning. Ashton doesn't even react when I gasp and reattach our lips, needing him like I've never needed anything before. He stands, pulling me up with him, his hand at the back of my neck. "I love you," he whispers into my mouth. "I love you, always, I never stopped."

I can't bear to break away, and neither can he. I can't imagine ever letting go of him, untangling my fingers from his hair and drawing away from the warmth. I couldn't if I wanted to. My free hand reaches up to rest against his face, and I need this, I need this, I need this.

How could I have lived without this?

Finally Ashton breaks away to breathe, but he crushes me against his chest and I stay there. Thunder crashes louder than ever but I am safe here. "I need you," I whisper to him. Ashton's chest heaves, and the moment he catches his breath, his lips are on mine again. He laughs into the kiss as the wind fiercely blows my hair again, splattering us both with rain.

"Let's go," he whispers against my lips. I nod, not breaking away from him, leaving my arms locked around his waist as we stumble back through the door. Ashton walks us through the hall and collapses backwards onto the couch and pulls me down with him, his hands pressing me to him.

Lightning flashes through the dark room as Ashton tugs my damp shirt over my head, his lips touching some part of my skin at all times.

Thunder crashes around us as we crash into each other, and I realize that people are storms and that storms are beautiful.