Esteem

Chapter 30

ASHTON

Life seems perfect as I stand outside on the hotel balcony with Sophie. We are both dressed in thick sweaters; the snow is coming down hard, sticking to the ground and in my hair. Sophie's eyes are wide and wild with wonder as she catches snowflakes on her tongue. I can't resist scooping her up into my arms and cradling her close, though she shrieks to be put down.

"Ashton?" My mom sticks her head out the door, recoiling from the snow.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"We're going to grab some dinner, are you coming?"

"Nah, I'm going to stay here. What about you, Soph?" I ask.

"I'm staying with Ashy," she says distractedly, and I can't help the smile on my face.

"Okay," my mom laughs. I step towards her so that she can kiss me on the cheek, and then she draws back into the room. Sophie and I stay on the balcony until it gets dark, though it is freezing. She is amazed and I want to encourage her to marvel at life. At the little things.

"It's cold, Ashy," Sophie finally says, reaching up to me. I scoop her into my arms again and carry her back inside, unable to contain my smile at her red nose. It is getting dark outside and everyone else has gone to dinner, so I let Sophie curl up in my bed. I climb in next to her and switch on some cartoon, knowing that she will be asleep in minutes. She snuggles into my side and sighs in content, causing my heart to throb in my chest.

She's just a baby, but at the same time she's not anymore. She's old enough to know where we are, to know that I'm not around as much as I used to be, to realize that she is growing up, for all intents and purposes, without me.

I try my best not to slip into that pattern of thought, and when Sophie's breaths become slow and heavy, I pull her into my arms and carry her next door into my parents' room. She stirs a little as I tuck her into bed.

"Ashton?" She murmurs.

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"I was afraid you wouldn't get to have Christmas with us."

"I'm right here," I say calmly, though my heart is twisting.

"I'm so happy," Sophie sighs. She rolls over and turns her little face into the pillow, sleeping almost instantly. I fall on the floor next to the bed with a sigh, trying not to overthink it. Sophie is five, she doesn't understand. Then again, sometimes children understand things better than adults. I don't know. I don't even know if I understand.

Once I am sure that Sophie is asleep, I stand up. I quietly make my way to the door and out into the hallway, thinking of how I need a distraction to keep me from these deep thoughts.

And it is like instant gratification, because there she is. My distraction. She is turned away from me, knocking on my hotel room door, her blondeish hair cascading down her back.

CLAIRE

"Claire?" Ashton's breathless voice sounds from behind me. I whirl around, unable to form the words necessary to explain myself.

But it seems that I don't need them.

Ashton crosses the space between us in two strides, reaching for my arms and pulling me to his chest, holding me so securely that I finally feel safe from the world.

"Hi," I breathe against his chest, my arms circling his back. Oh, this is right.

"I'm so glad you came," Ashton whispers. "I can't believe you're here."

"I don't want to interrupt your family time, I just-"

"No, you're not interrupting anything. Stay. Please."

I don't see how I could leave. Ashton walks past me, still keeping one arm around my waist, and unlocks his door. We walk in together and he leads me straight to the bed, sitting on the edge and practically pulling me into his lap.

I don't even resist, I can't resist anymore. I rest my face against his neck and tangle my fingers into his unruly hair while his large hands make a comforting journey up and down my back.

"I still love you," he whispers into my ear. Loving me gets Ashton nowhere, but I find myself smiling anyway. It is so nice to be loved, and by someone so... good.

I lift my head off his shoulder and look into his eyes. They are so unguarded, so unafraid. When did he get so brave?

"Do you love me yet?" He asks.

And I do.

I do.

But I can't say it, I can't give it substance. I press my lips to his cheek, and then to the corner of his mouth, and then to his lips.

"I'm taking that as a yes," Ashton whispers. I can feel him smiling into the kiss and I smile back, so tired of being confused.

We sit like this, on the edge of the bed, me wrapped around him, for half an hour. He doesn't ask questions and I don't answer them, we just hold each other. I feel so at peace.

"I just want to stay with you," I whisper. I pull my head back to look at his face again. "I just want to stay."

Unidentifiable emotions flicker across Ashton's face so quickly that I can't pinpoint them, but his hand finds the side of my face and our lips are brought back together.

There is a sense of urgency in his kiss. There is no lie, no doubt in Ashton's passion. I give into him completely, opening my mouth and letting his tongue explore it, loving his taste and the ease with which our bodies synchronize. His hands run from my hair, down my back, to my face, gripping my waist. He is everywhere, and I can't breathe but I can't stop.

We are both gasping when Ashton finally pulls away, resting his forehead against mine.

"Stay, then," he breathes. "Stay."