Social Norms

Chapter 15

I take a deep breath and knock on the door. 

After a minute or so, it opens. It's Luke. He says, "Hey, Pepple." His voice sounds exactly like his brother's. I never noticed that before. I clear my throat, "Uh, is Ryder here?" He looks behind him and says, "Hold on," and then shuts the door. 

After another minute, the door opens, and Ryder comes out, shutting the door behind him. He looks pretty much exactly like the Ryder I've always known. I can detect a slight greenish-bluish color under one eye, but other than that, he's wearing no visible signs that he was ever beat up or even in a fight. He's also back to wearing his slacker uniform. There's no trace of preppy left on him anymore. You can't tell by looking at him that he was ever a part of the Idol crowd.

I give him a nervous smile, "How are you doing?" He sits down on the park bench on his porch and sighs, "I've been better." I sit down next to him and look down at the floor, "Ryder, I'm so sorry. I feel so bad for what happened...what I did..." 

He says, "Don't worry about it, Pepple. I'll be fine. I'm going to get my diploma at the end of summer school, so it's not really a big deal. It's not like I'm going off to college or anything, so it doesn't really matter when I get my diploma." 

We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, and I feel an agonizing uncomfortableness growing between us. The silence grows more awkward, and I can't take it anymore. 

I stand back up and say, "Okay, I just came by to see how you're doing and to say thank you for the picture. I never got the chance..." I start to walk toward the front steps, and he says, "Wait, Pepple. Can you please just come and sit with me for a little while?" 

I turn around and smile, "Sure, Ryder" and slowly go and sit back down on the bench. "You're welcome," he says. "And I'm sorry, too...For everything. I really don't know what I was thinking. I guess I knew that you would choose him...I always knew...but I just had to try, you know?"

I feel tears welling in my eyes. "Oh, Ryder, why didn't you tell me how you felt before? Why did you have to do it that way?" He sighs, "Because I'm an idiot, Pepple. I knew Wagner was going to kick my ass. I thought that if I took a beating for telling you how I felt about you that...that you would understand just how much I care for you...and maybe you'd feel the same way about me. But, then you chose...and you chose him, and I understand now...that you don't."

I don't know what to say, so I just let the silence pass between us until he starts talking again. 

"...I guess I never told you before because you never looked at me like the way you look at him, and I don't know, I just thought that maybe one day you would. And, then I'd know and could tell you, but that time never came. And, I thought that if I started dating Taylor that maybe you'd be jealous and that would make you see me that way. ...All it did, though, was drive you away...straight to him. ...God, I'm so stupid."

"Ryder, you're not stupid," I say. "You just should've been honest and told me how you felt before. We could've worked it out and fixed things between us. ...Now, it feels like it's too late." 

He scoots closer to me, "It'll never be too late, Pepple." He stares hard at the porch floor, "...So, do you think that if I had told you sooner...you know, before Taylor...and before Wagner...that it would've made any difference? That you would've maybe been able to see me that way?" 

I sigh and look down at the floor, "I...I...don't know, Ryder...maybe." 

He brushes the hair hanging in my face behind my ear, which makes me look up back at him. He has that honest expression on his face again, and I can feel my heart racing. "What about now? ...Do you think there's there any chance that you could ever feel that way for me?"