Imperfect (Drarry)

15

Scene: Draco's private dormitory, of which his father graciously paid for at the beginning of Draco's first year at Hogwarts.

I slam my belongings onto the ground right under the foot of my bed and collapse on top of the neatly arranged silver and green sheets.  I can't do it.  Before I tried to end my life, it was already falling apart.  But just now, walking on those staircases, I felt as if the ground had fallen out from underneath my feet.  The humiliation of realizing that everyone at Hogwarts knows what I tried to do to myself is unbearable.  I never want to leave my room again.  I'm staying in bed for the rest of the year.  Dumbledore himself will have to come get me before I step a foot through that door.  I cannot repeatedly endure the looks that I got moments ago from all the students as I entered Hogwarts.  I refuse to bear that every day.  Not a single head failed to turn and shoot looks at me as soon as it became clear that I had entered the castle.  What's worse is that my godfather decided that he needed to escort me to my dorm.  As if that would help anything!  All he did was draw more attention to me.  I wish I were invisible.  I wish I had succeeded.  My life feels so much harder than it did just 5 days ago.  If I couldn't handle it then, how does every one expect me to handle it now? 

I don't know how Harry has always put up with all the attention.  Harry has been the gossip of Hogwarts countless times, and I'm throwing a pity party because of attention that I brought upon myself.  I can't believe I did this to him.  I gave him hope that I was getting better.  I told him that he was my stability.  I made him believe that he held me close, and kept me safe.  But all the while I was slipping through the cracks.  I was distancing myself from him, from everybody, and I hadn't even realized until it was too late.  I can be so consumed by my own emotions sometimes.  I can be so selfish.  If I had just talked to him, then maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone.  Actually, no.  If I talk to him, maybe I won't feel so alone.  My time that I've spent with Harry has been the most spectacular of my life. 

Merlin, I've been so blind.  I used to talk to him about everything.  No matter how big or small the issue, he was always there to listen to me pour my heart out, and I was there for him to do the same.  I would be in his presence for hours on end, and still miss him when we parted.  All that changed when Ron began to interfere.  I never once stopped to wonder how he must feel. 

"I'm so sorry." I whisper in a muffle, cupping my hands over my face.  Tears stream down my face.  This time I don't try to control it.  This time I'm not crying because I feel miserable in my own skin.  This time, I've realized that I've made a mistake.  I'm crying because I don't know how I'm going to fix this.  I don't know how I'm going to approach, not just Harry, but anyone.

I just hope they can be able to forgive me.  I've done something horrible, and I'm not the only one who it's affected.  I realize that now, and I want my relationships back.