Spider-Man One-shots

Swordpaint24's idea

So, swordpaint24 had a hilarious idea. Not quite sure how to write it, but okay. It's a crack fic, FYI, so... Brace yourself!

***

Peter lay in his bed at Stark Tower, twitching violently. They had run out of apples a few days ago... He hadn't gone more than three without one resting against his side.

"Groceries!" he heard Happy yell.

Peter jolted upright and dashed down the hall as fast as he could. Once he arrived he barged past Thor. Thor? Huh, when did he get back from... Wherever. He also passed Wanda. Wanda? Okay-

You see, they had finally compromised on the accords, and after a long- Yes, I know you want to get back to the story, just a moment. Look, long story short, the rouge, not rouges anymore, Avengers we're back home and hadn't met Peter. SO. Back to our story.

Peter flipped over Hawkeye, landing more or less on the wall, then, hopping back down, finally laid hands on the apples...

The Avengers all saw it.

"You brought a kid?"

"He could have died!"

"HOLY FLUFFY CHICKEN NUGGETS I SMACKED YOU SO HARD."

"Your Spider-Man?"

"How the heck old are you kid, your like 9!"

Peter pulled back as he was barraged, quickly retreating to the ceiling. "I sure hope my chicken nuggets aren't fluffy!"

Now, all he had to do was escape their questions.

Clint shot a grappling hook arrow, pulling himself up to the vaulted ceiling. Peter easily skittered away. Thor closed the door and held it there with Mjolnir. Wanda used her magic and pulled at him, but he was too strong. Buck tickled him with a broom. Success! But as he fell, Peter shot his hand out, webbing himself to the ceiling. With no other choice, Cap threw his shield, slicing through he thin but tough webbing.

Oh, and for the sake of the story, the good-guys-who-were-gooder-for-longerer are useless statues and completely fine with this.

Peter grabbed the shield at the last moment, then swung his legs over so he was riding it as he spun through the air. He put a hand to his stomach and urped. Ick, yuck, ew, it tasted just as bad as barfing. Peter let go of the shield and was flung into the wall with a huge crash. The Avengers began to fire questions as they surrounded him.

"How old are you?"

"How did you get your powers?"

"When did you get your powers?"

"What are your powers?"

"What's your favorite texture to feel on your shins?"

"We won't hurt you in the slightest!"

"Do you want a Poptart?"

Peter looked horrified for a moment, then he simply jumped over their heads, going sideways and crashing through the door. He reached back to grab Mjolnïr then sped away.

(My dog is licking my ankle.)

Peter finally lost them, and promptly settled in his room.

He ripped open the apple bag, pulling one out as he shook with excitement.

He grabbed the apple. "Hello, beautiful," he said, falling to the floor on his back. He sunk his teeth into the soft apple, making sure to lock the door first. Juice trickled down his throat. Mmmmm... He latched his teeth on and pulled, making a smooth surface once the piece of apple came off. Peter pressed his lips to the smooth, juicy surface and sucked, moaning.

(Oh gosh, this is so weird.)

"Mmm, nom nom, mm"

"Peter, why are you moaning?" Tony asked from outside the door.

Peter froze. "Uh. I'm not moaning. Try Vis and Wanda's room?"

Let's just say Tony left and Peter continued to make out with the apple.

But it wasn't enough. He poured out the bag of apples... Don't ask how, but there were enough to cover him completely.

"Mm, mh, nom nom, mm-mm..."

He kept biting and moaning, going further and further until he reached the seeds.

"APPLE BABIES!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "I'M A FATHER!!!"

Tony burst into the room, fists up, breathing hard. Then he registered what his kid had just said. "Kid? Do you need a therapist?"

***

Oh gosh, somebody help me, that was so hard to write. I was cringing and curling up in a little ball to die of laughter all at the same time. I blame this weirdness on swordpaint24.

Hope you enjoyed! Don't worry, I am getting to the other requests.

~MintMagician