just random thoughts

all over the place

as no one reads this anyway, which im glad for, i can literally write down anything. I would have posted this on my pv twitter but someone is following me there and i dont feel like showing her, as i know who it is.

this is new, certainly. I never really spoke about myself directly but i just really need to get this down, just woke up too and already felling like shit :D it's fun!

I'm felling the pressure again, pressing down in my chest. I feel like i will stop breathing but i know that's not the case and it drives me crazy.

i havent contacted all of my twitter friends and realizing that, being the stupid shit i am, is making me feel so bad and guilty. It's been three weeks since i was online over there, properly.

They must miss me a lot and worry but my mind always plays with me and tells me it's not like that, that they dont even think abou me and simply dont care. who would? im me :')

eventuality im, of course, agreeing to that reasoning and continue with whatever im doing at that moment. i am a horrible person, for real. i do so muh bad to people, always make them bad.

i cant help it, im trying to be better but often times i just feel.. drained. It's as if someone plugged me into a vacuum, sucking the whole energy out of my body.

im trying, i really am. It's fucking hard with feeling empty and completely lost. what am i supposed to do? how should i handle this better, differently?

im really sorry. i always tell then that, they always reply with 'it's okay' and it's actually not??? lmao they want to make me feel better probably.

but isnt it wonderful im here, or more my mind, to remind how much of a disgusting piece of shit i am? it's just really wonderful.

then there comes the overthinking, bitchwhy dont you fucking leave it as it is already. i have enough problems thag i cause on my own, adding more spices to it wont help.

it became a friend of mine, always making sure not to leave my side. Such a sweetheart.

i simply suck. Im like sitting in my room and always think "why do i exist?"

what kind of purpose do i even have in this world?

im nothing but a burden to the people around me.

always in the way, always succeeding on making them feel bad, always just doing nothing at all.

it's always the same.

the same wish, the same pattern, the same urge, the same feeling but i never coat myself in it and are still strong enough to shake it off.

not completely but until it doesn't suffocate me anymore.

i wouldn't be missed, im lame and unoriginal and i dont have a sense of humour, i dont understand lots of things, i don't feel like i belong here in this world.

why did i do it? all the past mistakes, that i created, just become visibleall at once. 'let the past be the past' is what i always say to others, it's quite ironic.

okay i wasnt gonna include this here but my sister fucking annoys me so much. she just does whatever she wants in my fuckinf room, she wouldn't be living here but :) i cant wait for may to come, she said she will move away with some friends and im just counting the days.

im a person who needs space, a time to be ALONE but now i can't even fucking BE in MY own fucking room. my room has always been that place to provide all these things, to give me the time alone from everyone, give me my break from people on general. give me the quietness, just enough so i dont get disturbed too badly. i can do whatever i like, like laughing and smiling, but now i fucking CAN'T.