just random thoughts

don't engage

all i see is grey.

grey clouds, grey weather, grey mood, grey world, grey people, grey days.

it's only a question of time until i see only black.

which is okay, i love black.
black is comfort.

im gradually falling further down.
somewhere, somehow.

lately the urge to cry is coming back, too.
which makes me angry.

i hate crying.
i hate emotions.
i hate being so moody over stuff.

my mind is playing more and more tricks on me.
im not even in the mood to play.
never was.
never will.

im tired.
i had enough.

i was at the party of my brother.
it was horrible.
who was at fault? of course it was me.
plain rude.

they were making fun of me.
i felt humiliated.
but i deserved it, i wasn't the best.

got tipsy, that took away the thoughts.
the worries seemed so small.
no wonder people drink.
it's fun.

i felt good for about 3 days.
that was my biggest record.

i talked to my friend and she's amazing.
she's so much fun.

then it crushed on me the next day.
i wanted to hide away.
just leave, possibly forever.

but she messaged me again and got me drifted.
we talked for hours, on 4 chats separately on the same time.

i feel good with her.
i guess.

i have people that i let in to me.
opening my little space for them.

it's scary.
it's making me vulnerable.

is there even such thing as "safe space"?
people do as they please.

if they want to, they can break in.
force themselves, if needed.

i hate humans.
people.

it's.. just tiring.

my happiness, genuine happiness, is barely existing.

i do find days amusing and fun on rare occasions but to feel really good AND happy?
i wish.

rooming with my sister is making it worse.
i have too little time alone.

i need a few days, at least.
great how she announced that she will move out next year, instead of this one.

i really get irritated too much.
my feelings are confusing.

i lost my gf, too.
not like I'm surprised, who would stay?

she has someone.
she got her eye on someone.

let me just die lol

okay kidding :D

shoot me in my head lol

okok I'll stop

i need to work on myself, i know that.
it's getting.. harder.

my brother told me something at the day of the party.

'you'll get depressed'

i really was close to laugh at him.
maybe.. i did chuckle.

well, surprise surprise! i am, dude.
it'll only get worse, if anything :D

ah i love life.
it's fun.