just random thoughts

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i dont understand myself at all.
i dont understand why i am feeling like this.
i dont understand where i am getting all those ideas about something that might not even be true.

i dont understand why i cant have a decent day without ruining it myself.

i dont understand why my mind makes it a job to make myself feel miserable.

i dont understand why i let myself be ruled.

im doing nothing but my mind still drifts towards those .. thoughts.

i dont want them.

i dont NEED them.

they are not doing any good to me and it's actually pretty damaging but..
well, im weak. strong but weak.

im trying, really.
it's hard.
it's like.. it won't be any different, even with trying.
all for the trash.

i let myself get focused on something too strong and then if the thing breaks away or just.. disappears, i cant handle with it.

attachment is horrible and something you have to be careful with and yet i managed to get myself hurt so many times. without any purpose or reason.
it's not someone's fault, only mine.

so many signs were send towards me and yet i act blind.

so many loud shouts for me to hear and yet i block them all out.

everything has been only negative these past few weeks and it's scaring me shitless.

i had this problem last year too and now past the anniversary of my cat, it feels like it will all just break.

i will slowly be torn apart and there will be no doctor able to help me back together.

so many times this one single thought, this tiny selfish feeling and guilt that nags me until i tune it out.

what if i just disappear?
no one will be able to tell anyway.
no one will miss me.
sure crying here and there but soon it will be like i was never here to begin with.
why bother? it's all going to shit anyway.

this tempting feeling and endless thoughts about many.. different things.

all that triggered from only one person right now.

im so easy and i absolutely despise that.

of course im no one, of course im not worth it or anyone's time even.
why would i?
im boring and im not funny  im awkward and i tend to annoy people fast.
i play too much with some things and yet not enough.
one day i can change drastically and the other im different again.
who am i, really?

which one is my face? the real one?
what even defines me?
why do people claim they love me and then the next second decide to turn their back on me?
why do i trust so easily?
why am i getting so attached after only a few words?

im not.. like this with everyone.
hard to believe but it's true.

if i feel like it and let you in my space, i really respect and value you.

i let you see me, even if it's only a tiny part.

it is so hard for me to do, too.
im an introvert, you know?
that shit is making me feel pretty nervous and uncomfortable but also anxious at some parts.

not bad but enough.

forever rain by rm is playing rn
i might just break right here, fk

people have it so much worse, i cant help but think that.

im just not good enough, for nothing.
im a waste of breath and concern of people.

how much im actually wishing for the release is to no one's imagination to guess.

i want to go away, somewhere far.
and then slwoly ..
pass..
some streets and see the world.

i bother many people and i feel so bad but im taking the afford to reach out.

it's hard for me, im not someone with people around me.

i want to feel appreciated.
loved.
liked.
seen.
valued.
heard.
happy.

i want to be one of people's reason im making their day better and yet i only manage to bring it down, as it seems.

im exhausting myself and im not one to ask for help.

i can do it myself, i like to believe.

why do you let me feel such things?
why do you have to be so amazing that i cant help but fall in love with your charms?
why cant i help my smile when i see your name pop up?
i really like you, treasure you as a friend and yet..

we are not on the same page.
im too rushed.
too far ahead.
im already running while you are still walking, calmly.

everything is bullshit but it's only reasonable because i am too.

i am very much aware.