i have noticed that often, i feel weak. empty, alone, hopeless, pressurized, afraid.
weak. he tells me to stop crying, that there isn't anything worth crying over. he tells me to stop getting angry when someone tells me that i'll be better off at home, studying, and listening to them, because no one else would take care of me like they would.
indirectly, they tell me i'm weak.
empty. i feel like an abyss all the time. a black hole, a void. a feeling of existing yet not, simultaneously. they tell me once the exams are over, i'll feel better.
but even before, i felt empty.
alone. days without seeing my friends, hours of getting shouted at, no comfort, nothing. how can one be so surrounded by people that they cannot cry without getting disturbed, yet feel so alone all the same.
the reason i'm on my phone is because i'm alone.
hopeless. lectures upon lectures, being sent to a corner to study, saying i'm better off doing that, otherwise i'd fail if i didn't study 20 hours a day.
they make me feel hopeless
pressurized. you'll do great, they say. your intelligence surpasses your sister's, they say. then why is it that i've always gotten worse grades than her. why is it that i'm always compared to her. why do they set high expectations on me, when i have been nothing but under her.
they say they don't care about my grades, yet still, i feel pressurized.
afraid. i'm afraid of letting them down. seeing the disappointment in their eyes when they see my grades. i'm afraid of hearing that i didn't work hard enough. i'm afraid of them. i'm often afraid to breathe in front of them because i'll feel like i've done something wrong just by existing.
they tell me they love me no matter what, so why am i afraid that that isn't the truth.
once you acquire a mind of your own and start correcting them, they'll tell you you're being disrespectful. so it's better to stay afraid, lose all hope, stay away from those who understand you, pressure yourself into shaping yourself correctly into their eyes, and feel like a black hole on the inside than it is to speak your mind and root for what you believe is right.
i wish it wasn't this way.
