i am so fucking sick of this constant routine. this stupid fucking family is getting on my nerves. but honestly it's not their fault. i'm the one who is stupid, stubborn, bratty and bitchy.
every. single. day. the same conversation. the same fights. the same everything.
go to debates. it'll help you in your social skills and teach you what school cannot when you're out there in the world. just go to the fucking debate camp. why can't you go. what is your problem. you're talented at speaking, you make good cases, you sound intelligent when you know what to say, because you're so afraid of failure and embarrassment that when you're on the stage you transform into the person you want to be. so what is your problem, mahnoor? why can't you just fucking go join the debating team? your parents don't care about whether it will drive you mad due to the toxic circuit, as long as you get the skills you're in need of, youll be fine, even if you're slightly insane. it's cool. you know yourself that it may not affect you much. so why. can't. you. do. it.
retake your islamiyat exam. you're obviously not smart enough to get a crazy good scholarship to one of the best (journalism) universities like your sister, so retake your exam to be able to study in a good uni in pakistan. why are you crying? is it because you're afraid you won't be able to live up to the expectations your sister and parents and grandmother have for you? is it because of the undeniable pressure of retaking? you're such a nuisance. why couldn't you just get good grades in the original exam so that your parents wouldn't have to sacrifice another large sum of money, just so that you can get that darned fucking 'A'.
that dumb letter which can simultaneously make and break you. the letter that cements your place in the eyes of your family. in the eyes of the school. in the eyes of society, leering down at you, reputation on the verge of crumbling like a derelict temple. because that's all that people worship, right? a reputation. one that is gained by how well you married, how well you studied, how good of a job you got, how little you got slut-shamed or fat-shamed.
i am sick of this. i am completely sick of it. i know you guys are tired of seeing me write this. i've written countless rants about this. but i forget each time and write another one, my hatred stronger.
i can't do this anymore.
i can't.
i can't.
i can't.
but i have to. there's no other choice. i don't want to give the retake. i don't want to take debates.
but sooner or later, i'll have to. i have no say in it. sure my parents say, "it's up to you if you want to give the exam again," but i know it's not up to me. i know that they will be the ones making the final decision.
i don't even have a choice in whether i do debates or not. as soon as the school debating championship is over and we shift into the new building, i'm going to be wheeled into that club. i won't be able to do dramatics, i won't be able to do the adventure club. i won't be able to do what i love.
"we're protecting you from the world!"
no. you're prematurely pushing me into the world, because the debate circuit very literally consists of the people you want to protect me from.
i don't even know where i'm going with this. it's a dumb, bratty rant about not wanting to do something that's good for me, just because i'm afraid to see what people are really like. whatever, it's fine, i'm fine. i told my parents and friends i'm fine, so i must be. right?
