i feel like the most surreal thing about cancer ~after surgery-pre chemo~is that everything is completely normal. no pain, no indication that i'm ill, nothing. only the moments when we go to the doctor, or my parents are on the phone talking to people, are the times when i'm pulled back to reality and i remember 'oh shit there's a big fuckin problem'.
i'm pretty sure life has been turned upside down for everyone else, and it has as well for me. difference is, to them, things are different and my face is a constant reminder of their stress and sorrow.
however, to me, things are going in slow motion. ever since i came back from the hospital after surgery and i finally recovered, stuff has felt...normal. and it's weird because i didn't expect it to feel normal, considering i have cancer, but that word is so weird to say, because even the chances that i GOT cancer were odd. the type i have is one generally only found in middle aged men, yet i'm sitting here, a fifteen year old girl who had a tumour developing for ten years (according to the doctor), which got taken out and suddenly this wacko kid says everything feels normal to her??
life is carrying on the way it always has. sure there's the impending feeling of pain/sadness/sorrow/doom/aaaaaaaaaAAAFUCK, but life still....goes on? my sister, aunt and i go to the mall, have a fun day out, or my cousin and i have countless races in the park and tumble to the ground in a fit of laughter. it's the exact same as it was before, except it's not.
you can tell in the look in their eyes, the eye bags, the way my cousin has become way more loving to me than anyone else, the way i'm told not to exert myself too much, lest my wounds start hurting.
but it still feels the same. because we're carrying on with life. i'm living out of a suitcase, but i'm carrying on with life, which is really Not what i expected when my doctor first told me i had a giant tumour inside my colon.
let me explain it this way:
you know the deep, thrumming sound that plays in the background of a Netflix show while every day events take place, to tell the watcher that something is about to happen, something big? yeah that.
my life feels like the start of a really, really bad netflix show about the girl who's nOt LiKe oThEr GiRlS. i think im in the first few episodes.
1) being packed off to my old city, leaving school and my bestest favouritest friends behind, to go to a hospital which diagnoses me, does surgery on me, then denies me further treatment.
2) opinions coming from all around the world, pRAYRERS coming from places like australia, england, fucking RUSSIA and more.
3) i might move to boston or new york, depends on if my parents think it's better, so it might actually become a bad YA tv show/novel in which the boy meets the sick girl
4) life in slow motion and bad but also good lighting
shit bro. what have i gotten into.
