my reflection just blinked back at me. it's nothing out of the ordinary, it happens with everyone. you do one thing and the reflection copies you.
but it feels wrong to me. i'm not even sure if that is me in the mirror. i can feel everything and yet... nothing. sitting there on my bed, staring at myself in the mirror, it doesn't feel real. i feel like an alien wading through new dimensions. a different atmosphere, a different feeling to it all.
i wasn't always like this. it only started when the incident occurred. oh, that god-damned incident. it ruined my life, yet made it better in so many ways. i felt freedom after it. i felt myself being let go from countless chains and ropes. i could finally do what i wanted. but seeing it happen right in front of me, seeing the flames lick at the concrete jungle i once called home, hearing the screams affected me in a way i couldn't explain. it wasn't my fault. not entirely, at least. after that, however, guilt overtook me. it clawed at me. nagged me every night.
"your fault."
"your mistake."
"you'll never get away with this."
but i did. i did. get away with it. i should have been able to sleep peacefully, with no worries. i was free to do whatever i pleased, right?
no. wrong. i thought i was letting myself free, but instead i bound myself with even more chains than i started out with.
the voices got to me. i gave in. i gave up. so here i sit, in silence. touching my face to make sure it's still there. touching my arms, my chest, my legs, twiddling with my hair, picking at the lint on my socks and my sweater, pinching myself to keep myself awake, to remind myself that reality is a thing and that i exist.
i'm not sure if it works, though. i've often found myself sitting in front of a mirror, and just watching myself breathe. watching my chest rise, then fall, then rise, then fall.
i can't describe it. it feels like i'm watching a movie. it feels like i'm watching someone else. i could be sitting there for hours, just staring into the mirror, not exactly sure of what's happening around me. i could sit there for as long as it took for someone to snap me out of my trance.
i think that perhaps that's what happened that night. perhaps i was standing there, staring at the bright orange flames engulfing the people i had grown up with, engulfing the people who raised me, who took care of me, perhaps i saw all of it and didn't realize what we had done. not until the sirens woke me up. not until the orange mixed with an intense blue, not until the hue changed into a completely different one.
blue fire generally means a more intense, more
heated flame. this one was a wake up call. this one was more like a splash of water to the face.
i don't fully remember what happened that night.
my reflection just blinked back at me, and i don't know how to feel about it.
it's normal, right? then why does it feel so foreign. i feel as if i'm watching through someone else's eyes, yet still gazing at myself.
my reflection just blinked back at me, but i don't know why.
um yes this is for the school literary magazine haha yeet
