Girls and Red lipstick

sex and emptyness

Toni sat on her window ledge watching the rain run down her window. She opened up the top window and she lit a cigarette which was in one hand whilst holding a bottle of some sort of alcohol in the other hand. Her music played really loudly in the background. It was some sort of vinyl mix of all the greatest songs by the Smiths. She always like old indie music. As she sat listening she thought about Cheryl, but that was unusual. She never stopped thinking about her. Toni regretted what she'd done that day as soon as she watched Cheryl walk away from her. She thought she was doing the right thing. All she wanted was for Cheryl to be happy and she thought that was the only way to do it.

There was a soft knock at the door followed by the turning of the door knob. Amy walked in but Toni didn't even look to see who it was. "Hey i've been worried about you. You haven't been in class for three days and no ones heard from you" she said softly as she closed the door behind her. Toni turned to face her but didn't react. "Hey what's wrong?" she asked thoughtfully as she sat down on the window seat beside Toni. "She's gone. I ruined it. She was the most important person in my life, the only person who i've ever really loved and who's ever really loved me, and i fucked it up. I'm never gonna get her back" she said as she sobbed into Amy's shoulder. Amy suddenly realised how upset Toni actually was. She knew how important Cheryl was to Toni and she couldn't imagine how she was feeling. Toni leaned back and took a swig on the drink and took a drag. Amy sat quietly not knowing what to say. Toni sighed. She was pretty drunk and all of her emotions were overwhelming. "Who the fuck cares about anything anymore?" she said angrily. "Toni i'm here for you and i know your hurting right now but it'll get better" Amy said trying to comfort her. Toni glared at her. "Yeah but it's not though is it. I don't have anyone now. I'm completely alone like i used to be. I'm back in the place that i never wanted to go back to. I appreciate that your trying to help but i just want to be alone so can you go" she said sternly trying not to be rude but definitely coming across that way. Amy wanted to respect Toni's wishes. She walked out of the room without saying anything. Toni turned back to face the window and drank some more.

!!!

Toni sat trying to focus on one thing as the room span around her. She was at a party with a bunch of people that she didn't know but she didn't car. She was drunk and very high on something that some guy had given her. Toni just wanted to feel something and she didn't care what it took. She'd lost all of her friends and most of her dignity so right now nothing mattered to her. She was in a really low place and she didn't know how to help herself so she just dug herself down into a deeper hole.

She drank more and more and become more and more numb. Some guy she'd never seen before came and sat down beside her on the couch. "I've never seen you at one of these parties" he said as he moved closer to her. She didn't reply she just looked at him. "Wanna go get to know each other?" he whispered in her ear as he put his hand on her thigh. Toni didn't reply she just waited. He stood up and grabbed her hand and she followed him upstairs.

!!!

Toni woke up the next morning very confused as to where she was. She grabbed her clothes and shoes and quickly got out of there before that guy she'd been with woke up. Nothing mattered to her anymore. She didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed she just felt nothing. She'd been sleeping around with a bunch of guys and girls since the break up but nothing had made her feel better. She was searching for some relief from all the pain but she couldn't find any. Drink and drugs were the only way she knew how to mask the pain so she turned to them often.

Toni tried to still attend class but she was hungover most of the time so she never had the energy to. Her friends tried to help her but she pushed them all away so she really was all alone. Not a day passed where she didn't think about Cheryl and crave her. She saw how she was living her life and how she seemed fine and it crushed. She wanted her to be happy of course, but she also wanted her to be hurting as much as she did. The fact that she was doing good just confirmed that Toni was never going to get her back, and that thought made her feel empty.

!!!

Toni paced around her room wondering what to do with her time as she usually did. She'd already missed her class for the day but she had a sudden wave of passion to draw. She set up her easel and got out her supplies and started sketching and painting whatever she felt like. She was drinking but she was becoming immune to the effects of it. Her emotions and thoughts and problems spilled out on the canvas. She didn't stop she just kept going. As she filled the blankness she felt like herself again. She'd forgotten how much she's loved art and how much it helped her to express how she felt when she couldn't put things into words. For a brief moment she felt something and she missed that.

The night passed and the feeling faded and she headed out to find a fix like she usually would. She thought about turning around to go back home. She thought about respecting herself and not sleeping with strangers. She thought about everything but nothing overpowered the thoughts she constantly had about Cheryl. They were too much and she wanted to forget, even if it was just for the night.