Because Of One Decision

No, it Can't Be - May 3, 2018

As I sat there, waiting for something I never thought would happen to me, I felt my body go numb.

Two pink lines were as clear as day-"Positive". No! This can't be happening to me; after all, I worked for, how did I get myself into this situation? I'm only sixteen! This has to be some sorta sick dream...

I start to cry on the bathroom floor of the girls' locker room.I'm trying to calm down when I hear a knock on the door.[..the one person I can trust.

My cousin,] Adonia

I walk out of the stall. I feel like my eyes are red and puffy from crying. The pitiful look she gives me only confirms this.

"What did it say?" Her voice was shaky. I nearly run over to her, tears already rushing down my face as I grab onto her. I start to have a breakdown on her shoulder.

" I...I'm pregnant." I try to say with confidence, but my voice cracks. A lump forms in my throat; I start to have a panic attack on Adonia's shoulder.

A sigh escapes her lips.

"Oh Layla, don't cry. We will figure this out." She says reassuringly, rubbing my back. She didn't seem to know exactly what to do. I had always had trouble trusting others, so when I had asked for help, she had happily agreed. Even though she hadn't known what I needed.

I knew that I could trust her because even when it came down to pregnancy she hadn't judged. Though I knew that I could trust her, I was hysterical.

"What will my parents think? Are they going to kick me out? What will I do? What will happen with my siblings? Will they miss me? What about school? What am I going to tell Alaric? Should I even tell Alaric?" I was hyperventilating.

"Calm down." She grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. "No matter what happens, we'll get through it together."

"What do you mean together? I'm the one who's pregnant; you don't have to worry about anything!" The moment I said it, I regretted it. She had only been trying to help me.

There was a moment where the only sound was my sniffling.

"I understand that you're scared and everything, but you need to calm down. You can't snap at me for nothing!" She sighs." Anyway... what are you going to tell Aunt and Uncle ?"

"Knowing my mom's feelings on pregnancy, I guess I'm getting kicked out." I inhale slowly, already knowing the outcome, and trying to keep myself calm.

I know how my mom feels about pregnancies- either you get married, or you schedule an abortion. I know what she'll tell me because when she got pregnant with me, she married my Vati. After my Vati died, she did the same thing with my stepdad. I remember my mother saying that she didn't want any of her children to be "bastards".

Worse yet, my mother might try to keep me from my friends, due to them being "scary, dangerous, and delinquents". And I knew that Alaric isn't going to grow up and be a parent. It felt like I didn't have any support (except my cousin, of course).

I miss my Vati (another word for father. I only use the German word, because it makes me feel closer to him), even though I wasn't that old when he died. I knew that if he was alive, that I've had his support, and because of his reputation as the scariest man in the area, that I'd have had the support of others. Not to mention some of my father's resources, and the fact that I was his 'heir'. Things might have been easier for me then.

The only thing that my Vati had left for me that I could have possibly used, with how young I was, was his money. My mother, however, told me that I was too young to be "responsible" with it and had been keeping it from me. It being my inheritance didn't keep her from spending it however she wanted while she "waited" for me to get older and therefore be "responsible enough". Legally, she could only access it while I was living in the house

"So with that in mind, I better prepare for war, eh?" I say with determination.

By the time I get home, it's after midnight, and I have to sneak through my bedroom window. I decided to do something that I hadn't done in a while...

I pull a bag from underneath my mattress. I open it, pulling out a wrapped object. It looks like it's held together by a faded, green ribbon. I used to do this a lot. Even though I haven't unwrapped it completely, it's seen a lot of wear.

I hesitate, my fingers gracing the ribbon. Do I really need to use this? Am I that desperate? After a moment of thought, I decided that I am.

I untie the ribbon carefully. The paper falls open, revealing two old,cloth-covered journals. A cream white one and a black one.

The black one looks used. I open it, immediately greeted by a letter from my Vati.

"To my beloved child, Layla;
If you are reading this, that means that I am no longer with you. I felt that my time with you would be short, and I wanted to make sure that I could still provide you with answers. I ask that you know that I wrote this with the intent of helping you when you most need it, and that you respect my wish for it not to be read until then.
Your Vati, always in your heart, if not always beside you."

I feel hot tears running down my face.

"Thank you, Vati, " I whisper, setting the black notebook down. I look at the cream white journal, curious as to why it looked so new compared to the other one. Letting my curiosity get the best of me, I grabbed it. As I did, a letter fell out. I reached for the letter reluctantly, setting the journal on my lap so that I could open it. I open it carefully.

"My dearest one;
I give you this notebook in the hopes that you will one day follow in my footsteps and write a guide for your own child.
I love you."

Wiping away my tears, I set the letter down, returning my attention to the white journal. I turn to the cover page, only to find yet another letter.

"Good luck with your mother- especially if you're not married to whoever got you pregnant. With how stubborn you are, I know that you're going to fight back if you're not. I'm proud of you, and I know that you're going to do great."

Getting an early start on my writing, I grab a pen from my backpack and start to think about what to write.

"I sit here, only sixteen, scared. I don't know what will happen, or where this will go, or if things will turn out good for us. All I know is that I already love you and that I'm not letting you go. I'm finding my strength in this. I'm finding hope in you.
Love, your Mutti, Layla."

I kiss the letter, hoping that one day, my child will read this book and know why I made the choices I did. I close the journal, gathering the other journal and putting them both in the bag, hiding it back underneath my bed. I drift off.