WILD FLOWERS ✿ d.malfoy

24.

 "Get the music down, Rosewood!" Carina shouts.

"Don't you dare disrespect Queen!" he retaliates, turning it all the way up.

I join the stomp-stomp-clap along with Caelum and Tracy.

"We will, we will, rock you," we sing/scream/holler.

"Speak of disrespecting Queen," Carina snatches the speaker out of his hand, "you all manage that well enough."

I laugh, stuffing a pumpkin pastie in my mouth. Our dorm was now a disco. Sort of. We'd pushed the beds to the far end of the room which emptied a huge chuck of floor – the dance floor. All cosmetics were now underground, and the table enlarged to hold all the food we have. And when I tell you we have a lot of food; I mean a lot. Caelum's ways are sneaky but high yielding. I'd also cast a sound-proof charm to prevent the whole damn castle knowing what was going on down here.

"Who wants pizza?" Caelum holds the gigantic box above his head. I'm afraid he'll drop it.

"Set that down," Tracy whines. She's wearing a unicorn hat with a horn sticking out and fuzzy panda slippers. She looks like a kid. She acts like a kid. She is a kid.

Caelum sets the box down and we take our place on the floor. My hair was done up in a bun because I couldn't be bothered. And I was wearing fuzzy pj's. Talk about a sleepover.

Carina hands each of us a Coca-Cola bottle – don't ask me how they got it. But I'm glad they did – and sits down.

We clink our bottles and take a swig, pretending like we're legal and doing shots. Fast forwards fourty minutes. I'm holding Carina's hair back and rubbing her back as she empties the contents of her stomach. She had eaten a whole damn 15" pizza because Caelum – stupidly – dared her she couldn't do it.

"I mean," she says, coughing and wiping her mouth. I flush the toilet and hand her water. "I did do it."

"Yeah," Caelum leans against the door frame, "you did do it."

"My five galleons," Carina stretches out a hand, still on the bathroom floor.

Caelum sighs and gives her her deserved money. She grins and gets up.

"Woah, where do you think you're going?" I ask.

"To have more food now that my stomach's empty," she says in a sing-song voice, grabbing a piece of cake.

I sigh and sit down again, still having my slice of pizza. I was too busy cheering Carina on.

"You wanted to tell us something?" Tracy asks me softly after we've all settled down.

I gulp.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Caelum says at once.

I shake my head, "I want to tell you. It's just," I bite my lip.

Carina puts a hand on my leg and rubs it, smiling.

"Don't judge me."

"Never," they all shake their heads.

My heart starts hammering in my chest and I fill in deep breaths.

"Just tell them everything," mum says.

"What if I regret it?" I ask, still uncertain.

"You won't," she asserts.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Well, if you do end up regretting it, just deploy your old ways, sweetie."

"Oh, you can't be serious."

"I'm not. I'm mom."

"Mom! Stop making these dad jokes."

"Start telling them your story."

I take a deep breath; Tracy's hand is mine now.

"Take your time," Carina says.

I take a last and final breath and launch right into it. If I regret it later, well then, I regret it later.

I start from the very start. I tell them about the good things first. I tell them about mum and her carrier; Rosemary and her dreams and endless imaginations. I tell them how I used to paint the starts the galaxies the woods the tress the people the light the energy the darkness the struggle the joy the pain. I tell them about training, how I never went to Secondary school because I was homeschooled. I tell them about who I was. I tell them about Amabel Julia Harper.

And then I tell them about that day – that night. The last night. I'm crying now. I don't care. I tell them because it makes me feel better. I tell them about mum's screams and Rosemary's grief and how I tried but I couldn't save her. I tell them about the month I spent in the forest, how I found out about my powers. I tell them about Hagrid saving me.

I don't tell them about the people I killed. I can't. They'll hate me.

I tell them about a safe house where they brought me. I don't say where it is, or what it's called. But I tell them about how I learnt who I was and how I don't feel myself after that. I tell them about the nightmares and voices and how I hurt myself to make them stop. I show them the still recovering cuts on my wrists and legs and shoulder.

I'm spilling secrets I didn't even know I had. And I didn't know that sometimes, being so vulnerable feels so good.

I'm shaking and gulping in armfuls and armfuls or air. I'm also crying oceans. The whole of Slytherin dorms are flooded. I'm drowning. But oh God, I'm thriving.

Tracy and Carina are hugging me – one around my shoulders and the other around my belly – and sobbing into it. I take a quaking breath. 9 on the Richter scale. Caelum's biting his lip, his eyes bloodshot and staring distantly. He sniffles and hands me a glass of water. I drink half, set the rest down.

"That's enough guys," I say weakly.

They sniffle and sit upright, still huddling with me.

"You did it," she says.

"Is this the part where I regret it all?"

"Just give it some time."

After a few moments in stifling silence, Carina finally gets up, wiping her face and looks at me. She grips my hand tightly and looks down.

"What would you say if..." she says slowly. Uncertainly. Oh God – "if I say we already knew this?"

--a/n--

It takes courage to face the past. 
But if you don't do it, it will haunt you.
Pramiti x