Given Up

Chapter 44

So here I am again.

The car winded along the long driveway towards the chapel-like building. The crematorium hadn't changed much but I guess these things don't. Not that I remembered much from when I was here last: it had all been a blur.

As Scott pulled into the car park, I could see a small crowd waiting outside. Drew, Jax and Cassie were all there with their parents: black outfits standing out against what was a clear blue autumn sky. Cassie had had a tough time convincing her Dad to let her come but he had finally relented. When we found out where it was being held, Kate had even floated the idea of my not-going; something about re-traumatising me. It sounded like something Dr Claire - the Family Therapist we had started seeing - might have planted. But I couldn't do that, I wasn't there for him when he needed me, but I was damn sure going to be now.

I opened my door and got out; Kate and Scott following suit. We walked slowly over to the group; both of them flanking either side of me. Cassie peeled away and hugged me tightly as Scott and Kate greeted the rest of the parents. She was replaced by brief hugs from Jax and Drew. I fiddled with the buttons on my dark suit; hadn't worn it since Mum's funeral and it was a bit big now: a testament to how much weight I had lost since she died.

"Alright?" Jax said, never one to be able to keep a silence.

I nodded. I just wanted to get today over with. It had been such a long time coming - a month of waiting for all the legal bullshit so we could finally lay him to rest. I had spent many night's awake thinking about the fact that his body was stuck in a freezer in some nondescript government building somewhere. Didn't mention that in therapy though...

"Here they come," murmured Drew, looking behind me.

I turned and watched as a hearse and a limo came down the long driveway towards the building. As the hearse went past us and stopped right outside the door, I was surprised to see it filled with flowers. I frowned. Scott had said to expect a Paupers funeral - as Diego had no family, the Council would be paying for a minimal service. I knew from Mum's funeral that flower arrangements - especially that big - were pricey.

Scott came over. "We should head in now."

I heard the others started to move away as my eyes were focussed on the undertakers as they took the coffin out onto a metal table with wheels. I drew in a sharp breath; the cold air filling my lungs.

"Kyle!" I looked over to see Chris exiting the other car: with a lady I assumed was his Mum, Big Tony and Dre. Now it made sense as to who had paid for the flowers.

"I'll catch you up," I said without looking at Scott, as I strode towards Chris. We had exchanged a few messages since I had started to climb out of my hole, but I hadn't seen him in person. I only knew him because of Diego and knowing that he was probably hurting the most, I guess I had kind of avoided him. I was doing better now talking about how I felt but avoidance was still my go-to thing.

He flung himself at me and we hugged for a long moment. We pulled apart and I could see that the last month had taken it's toll on him. He looked tiny: his eyes underscored with dark circles and in his expression a darkness I hadn't seen before.

"I can't believe this is still real," Chris said, both of our eyes now on the undertakers as they placed the huge wreath of flowers atop the coffin. "Like, is he really in there or something..."

"Chris?" Dre called lightly from where he was stood talking to the one of the undertakers, a questioning look on his face.

"Oh yeah, do you want to help carry him? Be a Pallbearer?"

My eyes must have jumped out of my head as he quickly backtracked. "You don't have to. I just thought you and he...I think you were one of the people he was closest to lately...but no pressure or...."