Fall for You | OT4

☾❙forty five

tw : hospital , mental breakdown , suicidal thoughts

luke woke up confused and groggy. everything was too bright, and looked blurry. he heard two people talking, but his body forced him back into a slumber before he could say anything.

the second time luke woke up, the lights were out and the tv was on. he could see a blurry figure by the side of his bed. before he could even let out a squeak, he was forced asleep again.

the third time luke woke up, he was sure he was fully awake this time. it was now dark outside, and inside. the tv was off, and the room was filled with an unsettling silence. luke could hear the beep of the heart monitor-

wait, heart monitor?

he looked down at his arm and saw a needle in the crook of his elbow. he winced, quickly looking away before he could freak out. he doesn't like needles. never has, never will.

he then noticed there was an oxygen tube on his face. he gently pulled it off and tossed it to the side.

he doesn't remember why he's here for a second, but then when he feels the back of his head start pounding he remembers quickly.

he passed out. at work.

luke cursed under his breath, knowing he was going to get a lecture from someone.

and he was right. the door opened, and the moment kat saw him awake, she started crying.

"luke oh my god! you fucking idiot! don't do that shit again!"

she had wrapped her arms around luke, and luke sniffled. he hated making others upset. he doesn't want to be the cause of anyone's sadness. not even his own.

luke just hugged her back with the arm that didn't have a needle in it. he's never seen kat like this. he's seen her cry, but never this much. he's never seen her so scared or relieved.

she pulled from the hug and point her finger at him. "why haven't you been sleeping luke?" she asked, demanding an answer.

and well, one reason is because he tries to and he just can't. there are nights where he's lucky and does get a good amount of rest, but not enough. and the other reason is that he can't stop thinking about the boys and their conversation a month ago.

a month. it's been a month since he last spoke to them. he wants to see them again, but he's afraid that they will be mad at him for taking so long. he's been awake thinking about how he feels towards them. does he like them they way they do? how would the relationship even work? luke has never been in a relationship more than two people. he's heard of it but he never thought he would be someone to consider it.

maybe he does feel the same way but just doesn't want to admit it. maybe he cares and loves those boys so damn much that his heart feels like it's going to burst out of his chest. ever since he's been around them, it's always felt right. luke feels like this is how it was always meant to be, and how it should be.

so maybe, maybe he does like the boys too. maybe a little too much.

luke shrugged his shoulders. "i just can't kat."

kat sighed, her face showing frustration. "you fucking need help. you passed out. what if it happens again and you fucking die because you hit your head so hard. do you really want that luke?"

and as much as luke knows kat is frustrated and scared, she isn't helping his situation at all. he knows he fucked up, but is it his fault? no. he can't control how his brain works.

"don't you think i try? it's not that easy kat. i've tried getting help for so long but nothing fucking works. so if you can magically make something to make this stop, be my guest." luke snaps, turning to his side so he was facing away from kat.

he heard her sigh softly. there was a weight at the end on the bed, and a hand gently rubbing his. "i-i'm sorry... i'm just so worried about you lu. this isn't healthy at all and i-i'm so scared i'm going to lose you," her voice cracked and she paused for a second. "you're all i have. please don't let this take you away."

luke sniffled, his eyes filling with tears. he is so afraid that he is never going to be able to be healthy again. mentally, or physically. he can feel his body getting weaker as the days go on. he's tried everything he could think of. he knows there's more options, but he's been disappointed by so many other things that he's afraid to try anything new. he knows that he's at risk of many medical conditions and it scares the fuck out of him.

luke's tired of being exhausted all the time. he's tired of feeling like he's nothing everyday. he's tired of his mind making him feel things he doesn't want to. why can't he just control his thoughts and feelings? what did he do to deserve to feel so miserable from the moment he wakes up, to the moment he can close his eyes for just a few hours for some type of rest.

maybe that's what he wants. rest, forever. maybe he wishes that he could close his eyes and it would stay that way forever. death wasn't that far away, why not catch it now?

luke let out a choked sob, and his shoulders started to shake. he felt kat lay down next to him and spoon him into her arms. he gently ran her fingers through his hair, crying with him because she was so worried and scared for her best friend. she knows the ugly and terrifying thoughts that goes through his mind and wishes nothing but for it to all go away. she may not go through it, but that doesn't stop her from trying to understand it.

they both just want this to all go away.