She's the Alpha

Chapter 19

Kai sat back and ran his fingers through his hair. It was quiet for a moment as neither one of us wanted to speak first. It probably looked like I was playing games with him, but that wasn't it.

"Promise me you'll only give me honest answers, okay?" He asked of me. I hesitated before I nodded.

"Why did you stop me?" He asked.

"I'm nervous," I blurted. "I know I act cocky and confident most of the time, but I don't have confidence when it comes to you," I admitted.

"I make you nervous?" He asked.

"Not in a bad way," I clarified as I sat up. "You just... I've never felt this way before, even with Jess, and we never went... that far. I'm unsure of what to do, so I'm nervous," I explained. He smiled lightly before he came to my side of the couch and kissed me gently.

"You don't have to be nervous with me. I think by this point I've proved that I'm going at your speed. If you're not ready, then I'll respect that," he said softly. His words only sent butterflies to my stomach. Did such a perfect man even exist? I was more shocked at the fact that he didn't yell at me for bringing up Jessie. My hand went to my locket that Jessie got me for my birthday as I looked away from Kai. Although it wasn't as bad as before, the guilt was still there. It was my fault Jessie was killed after all.

"What are you thinking about?" Kai asked. I sighed as I closed my eyes and risked telling him the truth.

"I feel guilty, for getting Jessie killed and ruining my pack. It's all my fault," I answered quietly. Kai sighed before he put an arm around me and laid my head in his lap.

"I can see how you would feel guilty, but you shouldn't. None of what happened was your fault. It's that Alpha's fault for putting his nose into something it didn't belong. So what if your dad chose a female Alpha? It was none of his business," he tried to confront me as he rubbed my arm gently. His comforting was working.

"That attack must have been pretty traumatic for you," he sympathized. I nodded honestly. There was no point in hiding it from him.

"The worst part was that I couldn't even fight back because I had to keep Micah safe," I said softly. Kai sighed as he just continued to rub my arm.

"I should have warned you," he said quietly.

"I wouldn't have believed you at the time anyway," I brushed it off.

"Would you trust me now?" He asked. I nodded.

"I know what kind of person you are now," I replied. His hand pushed my hair out of my face gently before he began playing with my hair.

"You don't trust people easily, do you?" He asked.

"No, I don't," I confirmed. "Did you know that it took my mom my whole life to finally convince my dad to let me be Alpha? They fought over it a lot. He only decided a few months before the conference to go through with it. My whole life, I've had to prove myself. My whole life, I worked hard to be recognized not as a girl, but as a potential leader. I'm really sorry I hurt you back then, but when I first found out you were my mate, I got scared. I was scared because I knew that being your mate meant all of my hard work, what I worked for my entire life, became absolutely useless and meaningless in two seconds," I explained honestly.

"As a girl in the alpha family, life sucks. I was constantly overlooked, put down, and brushed aside because of the simple fact that I was a girl. And because I was a girl, my only option was to become someone else's mate. My dreams, my goals, they didn't matter. The only one who saw how I felt was my mom. But in the end, I still had to give up everything," I said softly. I heard Kai sigh as he moved a strand out of my face again.

"While you're with me, you're not just my mate. I'm not going to try and put you in that box. You are whoever you want to be. Even if it's not an alpha, you're still a leader in this pack. Anyone who says otherwise will have to go through me," Kai assured me. I turned my body and head so I was laying on my back and looking up at him.

"Can I ask for a favor?" I asked hesitantly. Kai nodded.

"Can you tell the pack not to call me Luna? I've always hated that title. Obviously, I'm still your mate, but... that word bugs me. It makes me feel even more useless than I actually am," I asked.

"You're not useless, Stella. And I'll make sure they don't call you that," he assured me. I found myself smiling softly.

"Thank you," I replied.

"Okay, I know I said I was done, but one last question. Why did you continue wearing his mark?" Kai asked. I sighed as my hand automatically went to the pendant around my neck.

"Guilt, mostly, but I was also afraid that if I fully gave into you, I would eventually forget about him. I felt like I deserved the pain left behind by his empty mark. That, and the fact that it was too easy for me to get absorbed in you. Even before I chose him as a mate, we were best friends. We grew up together and we always had each other's back. He was going to be my Beta. Letting his memory just... slip away felt unfair to him. I was scared that if you covered his mark, I would forget about him, and he meant too much to me to let that happen," I explained in detail.

"He meant a lot to you," Kai sighed. I glanced at his face, trying to read him but I couldn't quite place the emotion.

"When we were younger, he came to live with my family after his parents died. I made it my mission to look over him then, not knowing he had done the same. Even now, I accept you as a mate and I'm happy, but I shouldn't be. I still let my best friend die while I ran away like a coward," I said as tears filled my eyes. I sat up and sniffled before I tried to dry my cheeks with my back turned to Kai.

"It's not fair for me to be happy when he's not even alive," I cried quietly. I tried to pull myself together, but it was difficult.

"Stella... I know I keep telling you this in vain, but I'm hoping one day you'll believe me: it's not your fault," Kai said gently. I didn't face him, I couldn't. No matter which way it went, I still felt guilty.

"Will you look at me please?" Kai asked. I wiped my cheeks before I turned to face him. He gave me a sympathetic smile before bringing me back to sit in his lap. He placed my head on his shoulder before he just held me there.

"You can cry if you want to. I understand," he said softly. That was my breaking point. I sobbed as my arms went around him as well. I sat there and cried until I exhausted myself into unconsciousness.