Absorbed

/Love again?/

Five.

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Heartbeat.

His heartbeat, he felt again. He remembered everything, sometimes when he slept. His dreams haunted him. His past came back alive when his eyes closed. He laid on the couch, with sweat dripping from his forehead. He was messed up. He left her. He saw the pain that cut through her. He watched how he broke her heart. But all he did was walk away.  He was afraid. But of what?

His reasons reasoned himself. He wondered where she was. How she was. Whatever she was doing. Maybe a part of him still loved her. Maybe a part of him was still relentless to let go. But he did. All he did was walk away with no words. He had no idea what kind of pain would that cause her. He had no idea of a girl suffering a war inside her for a goodbye without even mentioning it was one. He didn't  forgive himself for what he did.

But he did it anyway.

He felt pain too. He knew he shouldn't. He thought it would be better for her to not know the reason why he left because it would have been more harsh on her. But little did he know, the worst pain of it all was leaving without a reason.

"Yeah, I'll be on my way,"  He  said as he sat on the couch, slightly massaging his forehead.

"Be quick." The rough voice warned from the other side. And then he hung up.

He walked over to the shower. Being quick as ever, he was ready in a black suit and a red tie with a white shirt beneath. He drove off to the company he worked for. His dad's company.  He drove rather swiftly. It has been months, weeks, days, seconds and even millieseconds, since he left her to wither. Out of all the days, he remembered her again today. He didn't fathom why he remembered her. It wasn't like he missed her. He was just messed up as he was already.

He walked into a large building with people walking about and talking animatedly. The high heels clacked in the busy floors of the company as he strolled past everyone. All he tried was to block out all thoughts of her and ignore many people as possible.

He thought that talking was a waste of time. He wasn't much of a talker unless he was with her. She would make him talk all day until his mouth hurt. he began to feel alive when he was with her. She was quite something, afterall.

He never uttered a word now.

His mind was thoroughly distracted. He couldn't understand why he felt this way. Suddenly, he wanted to see her. Her eyes that he would stare at more than the stars, her nose he would never fail to nuzzle and her pink lips, he always kissed. He couldn't help but think of her.  He shook his head as he went back to his documents and started to type away in his laptop. A long day, it had been for him. Too much thoughts and slow work had messed up his day.

Maybe he wanted to see her.

But why now?

He took the day off after lunch. He couldn't comprehend. He walked away from the busy building and the people who raced for money. He took his car for a long drive trying to get things off his mind. But it never worked. He knew. She always told him to talk things through and that was how he would get things off his mind but now, he couldn't talk. Every word reminded him of her.

He stopped his car midway of the highway. He wanted to scream. His face scrumbled. His lips parted unwillingly. His eyes shut tight. All he could see was the darkness. Did he regret? Did he miss her? Did he want to go back to her?  Many rhetoric questions. Questions with no answers ran through his mind. He buried his face in the wheels infront of him.

Honk, honk, honk.

"Out of the way, son!" A voice shouted from his right.

He got back his senses and looked at the man. The man was rather old and looked at him questioningly but his expression softened after he saw the look on his face.

"Ya alright there, fella?" The old man asked.  To which he nodded as a yes.

"Ya gotta talk, son."  To which he smiled again.

"Silly child!" And the man rode off with his unpolished truck.

He unlocked the door of his apartment and went inside. He decided to take a look at it. It was messy. Clothes were thrown everywhere, dishes had not been washed, the couch was messed up. He hadn't cleaned it since he left her. He just couldn't. He changed into his casual attire and decided to clean.

Surprisingly, he proceeded well enough. He was done with the dishes and the unnecessary compartments in his fridge. Slowly, he washed the glassware and left it where it was months ago. He swept through and mopped the floors, not perfectly but was clean enough. He checked the laundry and was overloaded with too much clothes. He sighed and took the clothes out slowly to arrange them in order to wash them. As occupied as he was, the thought of her was eventually forgotten. Nevertheless, he always felt the pain.

And then he felt it again.

Within his clothes were a trace of herself. A light pink sundress that was left to wash within his clothes. He stared at it not knowing what to do. Maybe he should return it to her? He vanished the thought. His hands trembled, unwilling to touch it. And then he did. The soft cotton brushed within his hard fingers. He remembered how she felt in his arms. How happy they were. 

Tears started to fall down his perfect face of a cold, emotionless stone. He didn't make a sound at first. He couldn't understand why he cried, what his heart yearned for. He buried his face inside the soft dress and started to sob harder.  With him gasping for breaths, his tears stained in her dress.

He remembred her smell, the one he loved. He felt it in her dress, he only cried harder. His face flushed inside the clothing and his knees weak, he fell onto the floor.  He knelt there for a while. His sobs slowing down. He didn't regret. His heart was just pained. He didn't want to see any trace of her anymore. He had his reasons. But after all this time, he knew something. That never changed.

He still loved her.

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The heart absorbed.

--Reem. <3

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