FLESH;Yoonmin

Chapter Thirteen

Kim Namjoon

   I never planned for my life to change. I had it all laid out before me. Taking over my father's hard built company, marrying a beautiful young woman and having many heirs to take over for me...
That all changed the moment I laid eyes on the beautiful merchant's son. His quick temper and lack of respect for my higher class only drawing me closer to him.
I never meant to kiss him. To touch him. I never meant to ruin everything for either of us.
But I did.
That one day began the downfall of it all. Do I regret it? No, I don't. I regret many things but never falling in love with Kim Seokjin. Even now.
I hold his head in my hands, gazing down at his cherry lips—the same lips that destroyed all confidence in my future—and press my own to them.
They taste just as sweet as that first time. Always have.
I hate myself for being selfish. For taking what I had no right to take. Sure, being raised in a wealthy aristocratic family reared me to never be denied my wants but...I should have stayed far away from this one thing.
I couldn't. I tried.
It had not been long after our first kiss that I sought the older man out once more. Finding reasons to venture out in the poorer parts of town, wanting just a glimpse of him. To hear his lovely voice insult me as I made ridiculous passes at him.
I convinced my father to hand the reigns over to me on several occasions simply so I could sneak away and take the beautiful man for myself. I craved his presence like I craved drink.
Staring down into his black eyes, my vision clearly—vividly—remembers them soft brown. Wide with passion and full of life...

"T-this is dangerous. We should s-Stop." He gasps, head thrown back in euphoric ecstasy as I bite down on his jugular, suckling as I practically tearing at his wet clothes, struggling to get him free of them.
Both of our bodies shiver from the rain as we huddle closer for warmth within the barn. The same barn we've met time and time again.
I groan. Ripping his shirt off and pushing him to the rough hay bail on the ground.
I cover my body with his own, taking his lips in a rough passionate kiss as I pull his luscious thighs around my naked hips, unable to control my lust as I thrust deeply into his pliant body.
He tenses and cries out but I swallow it down, thankful of the loud thunder at that very moment. "Hush...s-someone might c-come." I rasp, thrusting frantically, grabbing his hands and threading my fingers through his, holding on too tightly as our bodies piston against one another.
He shudders, hot breath panting into my ear. Sweat mingles with the rain water drenching our skin. I can't stop, my body urging me to complete its claim over him.
His nails dig into my back as his head throws back, showing off the vivid purple and black marks from my lips and teeth.
I gasp, hips slamming into his one last time as I release my passion into him. The last of my impatient lust withdrawing.
My hand reaches between us to stroke him and within seconds he fills my hand with his bittersweet offerings.
When it's over, his beautiful soft brown eyes are fearful and shaken. He pushes me off him and winces, attempting to climb to his feet. Hay sticks to the both of us.
"This was a mistake. It can't happen again, Joon." He scolds, dressing quickly but his shirt is torn practically to shreds from my rough handling and marks clearly visible on his bruised flesh.
Swallowing hard, I nod. "I know. I'm sorry...I just...couldn't resist you." I admit, ashamed of my attraction to him. The inability to get him out of my head. "This won't happen again. I swear it on my honor. I will...I will let you go."
      He looks to me beseeching. "Yes. Let's not meet again. I can't disgrace my family like this." He pleads.
     Nodding curtly, I step back from him and complete my own dressing. I lend him my black wool coat. He takes it gingerly in his dirty hands to drape it over his shaking shoulders.
     I take his hand and kiss the back of it, my eyes boring into his. "I promise you, Jin, I won't call upon you again."
     The relief in his eyes outweighs the obvious disappointment. "See that you don't."

     Oh how I tried. I tried not to bother him again. And failed. And failed again. But every time he would plead silently with his eyes for me to disappear while still kissing me so sweet and openly with his mouth. His hands gripping me so tightly as if afraid I truly would keep my promise and disappear from his life.
      I couldn't do it.
     I'm selfish. As selfish now as I was then. I have a secret. I could never bring myself to tell him. Tell him that...this is all my fault. This existence...this nightmare...is all my doing.
     Because of me...I killed him. Not on purpose but it might as well have been. If he had never caught my fancy then perhaps he would be living peacefully with a lovely wife by now. Older and with children of his own. Taking over the business for his now deceased father.
      But I ruined it. I ruined him with my selfish mouth and unrestrained hands. I made him what he is...out of selfishness. When I began to change...I could have spared him. I could have let him go...but no. I couldn't. I held on to him tighter and drug him to hell with me.
     I didn't want to be alone.
     I wanted him to suffer the fire with me because I was afraid to do it alone. He didn't deserve any of this. Not the first stolen kiss, not the rough taking of his body, and not the merciless claiming of his soul. I did it all. Without remorse.
      Jin is wrong. I really am the monster portrayed of me. I'm the one he should fear. Once, I hated him. Once, I blamed him for forcing this lustful blasphemy upon me but...it was never him. Always me. He begged me to end this, to end us, but it was too late. Much too late.
      But I don't regret it. Not if it means he remains at my side for all eternity. I don't want him to find his humanity again because he might leave me. Might truly disappear as I was supposed to all those years ago.
       A reset, of sorts. I can't have that. I need him. I need him to be on my side. Always.
      "L-Let's go on a date." I whisper softly as he tugs me out of the shower. I sit on the bed as he begins pulling out clothes for me to wear. I really don't care what he picks out. I literally went from riches to rags. Nothing material matters to me any longer.
      He tosses a black button down and some ripped blue jeans my way. I put them on without comment nor complaint.
      He smiles at me. "I've always wondered what you'd look like in normal clothes."
      Raising a brow, I eye my reflection in the mirror. The same old reflection I'm familiar with. I shrug. "I look the same."
     Slowly, he shakes his head. "You don't, trust me."
     "Okay. I will."
     He styles my hair the way he wants then, slipping on our shoes, latch our fingers together and head outside. It's late evening as he pulls me down the street towards the bright lights and loud people. 
     I tense up but he continuously drags me onward, closer and closer...he looks back and smiles at me.
     I force myself to relax. My Jin. I can do this for him. After everything I've done to him...I can try for him. It's the least I can do to make up for what I've done.