Underground (Levi x Reader)

Banquet (Part II)

I let out an anguished cry, bent in two over the railing of the balcony, and pushed my fist into my mouth to cut off the sound of my sobs, my teeth coming down hard on my knuckles as I tried to muffle my emotion.

"Oi, (L/N)."

The sound of Levi's voice startled me and I started upward, whirling around to face him, my back against the railing, my face streaked with tears. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I thought I saw a slight flash of worry in his eyes as he said, "What're you doing?"

I lowered my fist from my mouth, and was surprised, when the first sound that came past my lips, was a frantic laugh. "What am I doing? I don't know, Levi. You tell me just what the hell I'm doing, because I sure as hell have no idea." I gestured wildly with my hands, feeling panic bubble upward in my throat as I finally said the words out loud. I didn't know what I was doing here. I didn't have the faintest clue.

Anger begin to replace the panic in my chest and I pointed a finger at Levi, who was still leaning in the doorway, watching me with blank, dark eyes. "Tell me, Levi. Because you're the one that brought me here. Did you think I'd be able to fit in? Did you?" I pushed off the railing and took a step toward him, my cheeks flushing again, but this time, it was not from shame, it was from anger. I glared at him. "You fit in here. You just created a new life. So you selfishly assumed I'd be able to do the same? Because that's not the case. Not by a long shot." I clenched my hands into fists as my sides, trying to control my emotion. I spoke again, my voice wavering slightly with the intensity of the rage I was feeling. "I don't belong here. I can't fit in. I've tried so hard, every day, for years. Hell, I've done my best. I've killed titans for them! But I still don't belong here. And now I finally know why. I do."

I took in a deep breath, the cool air of the night starting to calm the angry heat on my cheeks. I met his gaze again as I said quietly, "I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough. And I never will be." I let out a sigh and stepped back from him again, pushing my back up against the cool railing once more. "I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm not good enough for the legion, I'm not good enough for those kids, and I'm not good enough for you. You've made that abundantly clear every single day since I got here."

I glanced up as Levi pushed himself up off the doorway. I was surprised as I met his gaze to see disbelief in the depth of his dark eyes. He took a step toward me. "Wait...this whole time....you've thought the problem is that you weren't good enough?"

I let out my breath, feeling the anger bubbling beneath the surface again. Hadn't I just made that clear? "Are you listening to me? That's what I just told you. I'm not good enough. And okay, fine." I flung my hands out in a gesture of defeat, my voice raising in volume again. "I'm not good enough for the people here. Whatever. I'll get over it. But I'm not good enough for you. And that's what's killing me. It's always been that, Levi."

I dropped my hands to my side limply, suddenly feeling exhausted. I dropped my gaze from his and lowered my voice again. "You brought me here. You held up your promise that you'd get me out. But what happened to that promise of never leaving me behind when we got up here?" I shook my head, the tears returning to my eyes, even though I fought them. "You stayed with me long enough to see that I was taken care of, and then you just disappeared. You left me, when you said you never would. You left me because you had a new shiny life, and new shiny friends, and a new shiny position, and some piece of trash from the underground didn't fit into that bright, new, shiny picture."

A single tear fell down my cheek and I reached up to wipe it away quickly. I didn't want to do this anymore. I just wanted to go home.

I left the safety of the railing and pushed past Levi, who still stood silently in front of me, unmoving. I guess that was my answer. He really did despise me after all and he'd left me behind for something better.