Social Suicide (BxB) / On Hold

Chapter 30

New Years. For most, it brought a fresh start married with new beginnings. But, for Alex, this couldn't be further from the truth for, with New Year's came a party; and with this party came Ashton Spears.

When Alex's parents told him that they'd be spending New Year's Eve with Ashton's family, he didn't know whether to laugh at the sheer irony or scream. About three weeks had passed since the night of the formal, and they hadn't talked since - in fact during the week after their argument, Ashton had transferred out of their combined Chemistry class and Alex had quit his job at the cafe, fully ending all potential contact between the two. So, naturally, the thought of having to talk to Ashton again completely terrified Alex. Despite the pain that it caused himself, Alex couldn't bring himself to face Ashton; not when he knew that it was his fault that they had parted. 

Anyway, he'd heard enough about Ashton - from the other kids at his school, of course - to last him a lifetime. According to the rumors, the bad-boy who was never-tied-down, aka Ashton, had finally got himself a girlfriend. Although Alex knew it was unfair, every mention of Ashton and his new girlfriend filled him with rage and jealousy. He hated it. Hated that someone had Ashton when he couldn't. But that was stupid, thought Alex. Ashton had made it clear that he had moved on; that the last person he wanted to see was him.

Alex signed, pushing away from his bed and rolling onto the floor. He gazed absentmindedly at the clock, bitterness biting at his throat as he realized that it was almost time to leave for the New Year's Party. Was it too late to pretend to be sick? Surely no one could force him to go if he came down with a sudden cold. Or broke his wrist perhaps; all it would take would be a small fall off the bed...

But no, Alex thought with firmness. He was not going to purposely hurt himself merely to avoid Ashton. He was going to go tonight and prove to Ashton that he wasn't scared; that he was completely in the past. It sounded good in theory, anyway, and Alex was sick of beating himself up about what had happened between them.

Was he ready to face Ashton? Maybe not. But all of a sudden, Alex decided that it didn't matter. 

*    *    *

The cool wind nipped at Alex's heels as he and his family trudged up the path leading towards Ashton's house. He bit his lips in nervous anticipation, silently sending a prayer to the universe that time would pass quickly; the sooner this was over, the sooner he could leave Ashton well and truly in the past. Dusk was falling, the mosquitoes were out and goosebumps prickled on Alex's arms from the evening chill. Voices, lively and melodic, could be heard as Alex approached, and one, in particular, stood out. Ashton. Alex couldn't help but feel stung at the happiness in which Ashton spoke, when he himself had been angry and down since their breakup. How had Ashton managed to move on so quickly? Maybe Blake was right, maybe their relationship had been pretense from the very beginning...

Before Alex could prepare himself any longer, the wide door leading to the dining room opened, and Alex was ushered in along with his family. The number of people in the house astounded him, as most of the faces passing him by were completely unfamiliar. He felt trapped and confined, but continued on nonetheless. He had to do this for his own sake.

After a moment of scanning the room, Alex confirmed that Ashton must be elsewhere. Sighing a quiet breath of relief, Alex took a seat at the closest table, hands fidgeting under his long sleeves. Alex had been coerced into wearing his most formal outfit, usually reserved for weddings or birthdays, and shifted uncomfortably on his chair. He had settled on wearing a tight, navy button-up paired with white jeans, and suddenly regretted not just wearing his usual clothes consisting of sweatpants and a jacket. He felt like an imposter, a stranger in his own body, and it was not a nice feeling. 

Alex leaned back in his chair and scanned his table. Sitting to his left was a couple in this early 60s deep in a conversation with a younger looking man. Based on their tense expressions, he could only assume that it had something to do with politics, and he breathed a bored sigh. Politics and sports. That was all adults ever seemed to discuss. Absentmindedly switching his gaze into the furthest side of his table, Alex at last spotted a familiar face - but he couldn't pinpoint where he'd actually seen her. She was a girl around his face wearing a tight, lace top and low-cut blue jeans. Her blonde hair was piled on her head in a messy, I-just-woke-up bun, and Alex was shocked he hadn't noticed her before. She was undeniably pretty, but stood out like a sore thumb. Whereas everyone else had dressed modestly for this family party, this girl was wearing an outfit only appropriate for a nightclub which left little to the imagination.

"Brittany!" a voice called, and the girl turned her head. Alex's heart turned to ice - this was Brittany; this was Ashton's new girlfriend. And that meant that Ashton was bound to be close. Panic flared at his insides, and he pushed back his chair swiftly, the screeching sound turning heads in his direction. He knew he looked insane, but the only thing Alex wanted to do was get out of there. So he all-but sprinted out of the house and onto the porch.

Outside there were significantly fewer people, and Alex leaned onto the wall in relief. Two small groups of people were occupying the table, so he slipped in-between them, hiding from view. To his left was a decanter of alcohol, perfectly placed so that he could drink from it without being seen. Alex never drunk - never since his first hangover that was - so even he was surprised when the glass touched his fingertips, sending cool alcohol down his throat. The sensation prickled slightly, but Alex was relieved when it numbed his racing mind soon after. Some referred to the drink as liquid courage, but Alex found that he used it as more of an escape. Something to get him through the party.

Ignoring the chills running down his spine, Alex tiptoed further into the garden, willing himself to turn invisible. He thought he could do this, face Ashton that was, but it turned out he couldn't. He was a failure. Alex sat on the edge of the backyard pool, his back to the busy house and feet dangling into the warmed waters. He kicked lazily at the swelling waves until they fell below his toes while toying with the idea of swimming. It would be something to do, a break from his racing mind. His head felt hot, so he slid to the side and dangled his arm down into the cool, refreshing water. The warm fuzz of the alcohol blurring his mind and thoughts, Alex got abruptly to his feet and, without warning, dived right in. The sultry air was immediately replaced with the cool water of the pool, and the music and chatter from the house was muted. Alex kicked his legs as hair rose like seaweed upwards, rippling in the water. The darkness of the pool engulfed him, instilling within him a feeling of peace. As his feet touched down on the floor, Alex exhaled a small breath, which rose in a fascinating stream of bubbles back to the surface from whence it came. 

From his quiet space in the pool, Alex felt like no one was looking. Like he could do anything and not be seen by the world. He still had plenty of breath, and was content to sit in his own world, taking in the black space before him. It took a while for him to realize that someone, however, was calling his name, the shout getting more frantic by the second. Alex gasped as something wrapped around his waist, pulling him upwards and out of the icy pool. He was pushed onto the concrete patio, his vision spinning in confusion as someone rolled him over before leaning down to his face. The person leaned in, as if trying to resuscitate a drowned person, and Alex gasped, pushing away from the stranger with force.

"What on God's name are you doing?" he hissed, shaking with cold and adrenaline alike. 

The person leaned forward, their warm hands brushing the hair from Alex's eyes with a strange fondness. The dark night sky shrouded the person, and Alex leaned away in distaste.

"I thought you were drowning. I thought you were dead." the person muttered, his deep voice trembling slightly on the last words. The person pulled his hands away, which, like Alex's, were shaking. He hesitated before wrapping an arm around Alex's shoulders and pulling him close, resting his head on Alex's shoulder. Despite the heaviness in his stomach, Alex's heart fluttered at the warmth this hug gave him. He closed his eyes, not needing light to know who this person was - everything about him was all too familiar. Bitterness and nerves biting at his voice, Alex cleared his throat before speaking.

"We have to stop meeting this way, Ashton."