Head Above Water

Chapter Seven

Lilith sat on the edge of her bed, slipping off her shoes and tossing them closer to her dresser. She was slightly out of breath, from pretending to run and also from the jump scare she received when her mother knocked on her door. Lilith looked up, her eyes open wide as she questioned her mother's sudden appearance.

"Yeah, mom?" She watched as her mom slowly entered into her room, leaving the door open a crack. Her mother walked up to her bed, taking a seat beside Lilith.

She smiled, placing her hands on her knees. "You doing okay, sweetheart?"

Lilith's mouth parted, slightly taken back by her mother's question, "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" Her mind began racing through all the possibilities of why her mother would just now be bringing up how she was feeling.

Did she know she was sneaking off to the woods every day? Did Leo tell their mother how she was acting that day? Could her mother know of Beck? Did she know about the failing grades, or how she didn't want to go to medical school? Why was she only now showing concern for her daughter's mental health?

Lilith eyed her mother's movements as she stood back up from her bed. Her mother walked towards her dresser, picking up her shoes and setting them back in her closet and organizing other clothes thrown about the room.

"No reason, really. Your father said you went for another run this morning, and everyone thinks you've been kind of distant lately. We just want to make sure you're feeling alright." Her mother stopped fidgeting around her daughter's stuff, moving to crouch in front of Lilith. She set her hand on Lilith's leg to balance herself. "You know, if you ever need to get away from the craziness, you can just tell us and we'll leave you alone for a little while. You don't need to pretend to use the bathroom all the time."

Lilith smiled down at her lap, "It was that obvious?"

They shared a laugh as her mother nodded her head. "Just promise me you're okay, and if there is a problem, you'll come to us."

Lilith shyly nodded, her smile slowly fading. "I'm fine, mom."

After those words escaped her lips, Lilith knew she was lying to her mother and herself. She didn't feel fine, but she also didn't think she felt not fine. Everything seemed off, but not enough for her to feel like she was really putting herself in any way of harm. Her heart was heavy with emotions she couldn't exactly describe which made her stomach feel uneasy. Her head was clouded with questions of why she felt this way, what it was, and how to make it stop.

With her mother sitting right there in front of her, she felt the need to put on a fake face, hiding all her concerns for herself. She didn't want her family to think she was messed up in the head, so before any of them could try and diagnose her, she had to do it herself.

"I'm going to take a shower real quick, then maybe we can do something together later today," said Lilith as she forced the best smile towards her mother. Her mother patted her knee, giving her a short nod of the head before pushing herself away from Lilith and leaving her alone.

Lilith fell backward onto her bed, her arms spreading out as she breathed in deeply. Slowly releasing the breath, she let her eyes shut. An image of Beck sitting by the river playing through her mind, focusing so deeply on the water in front of him. The water that he willingly submerged himself into, with the full intent of that being the last time he'd ever do so.

While Lilith thought that since she knew of someone else having committed suicide would've made her distance herself from the idea, she couldn't help but keep bringing herself back to that scary thought she had considered for only a moment at first. She couldn't stop imagining herself being the one to drown, to silence everything around her, to finally be completely alone, to have no more worries about her future and how she'd have to disappoint those around her.