Head Above Water

Chapter Twenty

Lilith and her dad sat across from each other at the dining table. She would've rather talked with him in his office, but when he was already beginning to sit down, she didn't have the courage to ask. Lilith knew that her older brother was the only other person in the house but still felt like the entire world was listening in.

"So, what's going on with you?" Lilith's eyes opened wider as she was taken back by his question. He noticed her expression, letting out a short chuckle as he rephrased. "I mean, your mom has told me you've been off lately. It's no secret, Lil, everyone can tell you've been acting weird all summer."

Lilith nodded knowingly, "I know, there's been a lot going on in my mind and I'm just not sure how you all will take it."

"You know you can tell us anything, Lilith. We're family." Her father tried to comfort her, but it only made her more anxious.

She already could feel herself wanting to cry but she held it in. It was too early in their talk for tears to already make an appearance. "Can I really, though? I know there's just some topics that don't ever get brought up in this family and there's also some things you've never heard or wanted to hear. I'm scared."

Lilith became quiet as her dad cleared his throat. "What's happening, Lilith? What do you need to tell me?" Lilith just stared down at her lap, fiddling her thumbs. "Lilith, if you're not going to talk, I have some work to get back to."

Her father began to get up from his seat, making Lilith's heart race. This was her moment and she was losing it. Her breathing sped up and her mouth felt dry, and then she blurted it out. "I thought about killing myself."

He slowly sat back in his seat, "Alright then."

"It's been a recurring thought, actually." Lilith relaxed her body, returning her hands back into her lap. Her dad's face was blank, there was nothing to read and that made Lilith nervous.

"You don't want to kill yourself, though. It makes sense that you've been having these thoughts. You've been hanging out with Toby more, and you've heard all his family drama. His brother, Beck, killed himself, didn't he?" Lilith nodded, ready to speak up, but her father wasn't done. "This is all new to you, you've never had to deal with this kind of information and you're fascinated by it. Don't worry about it, once you're back home and focusing on school again, this will all be in the past."

Lilith's jaw dropped. She was appalled at what her dad was saying. She finally was opening up about having questionable thoughts and he was shutting her down, essentially telling her that it was only a phase. "Dad, I don't think you're understanding."

"No, Lil, I understand you completely. I think you just need to take some time to yourself and maybe not spend so much time around Toby and his family if this is how you're feeling."

Llith started shaking her head back and forth, "Dad, no."

Her dad quickly interrupted, "Lilith, I'm not talking about this anymore."

"Yeah, and this is why no one in this family feels comfortable being open and honest about how they feel. I'm not the first kid to feel this way, dad, but I am the first to actually talk to you about it."

Lilith's father shook his head, "Honey, this feeling is going to pass. Your mother and I have set you up for nothing less than success in life."

"Have you ever thought that maybe that's a lot of pressure you're placing on your children? Honestly, you expect all of us to graduate from your alma mater, doing exactly the same thing you did. How did you think one of us would feel when we really didn't want to be a doctor?" Lilith had passed the point of being nervous talking with her dad. She was heated now, and only wanted to yell louder.

He pushed his seat back away from the table, letting out an exhasperated sigh. "Any of you kids could have chosen a different career path, Lilith. I'll be proud of you either way."

Lilith stood up, ready to walk away. "Glad to hear it, dad, because I'm failing all my classes and I don't want to be a doctor." Her father stood up as well.

He looked disappointed, but his voice was strained as though he was holding back from yelling. He spoke in a hushed tone, "What do you mean by failing, Lil?"

"I mean all 'F's, dad. Big, fat zeros all across the board. You may think that the sudden wall of depression I've hit was from meeting Toby, but it's not. I've been so scared to tell you about this so I've been holding it in for the past couple of months. This feeling has been inside me now for who knows how long and it's just been building, and I'm so sick of it." Lilith sighed out loud. "Dad, every night, it seems like I'm talking myself off a cliff. But lately, I'm not winning myself over and it's honestly killing me. I don't want it to actually kill me, dad, I really don't."

Lilith whispered her last few words, earning a sympathetic look from her dad. She had finally thought she got to him, but then he spoke. He nodded slowly, completely skipping over the topic of death. "So, what is it that you want to do instead?"

"I don't know, dad, my mind's been preoccupied. Although, tapping into my emotions and everything has shown me that I really want to learn more about how the brain works. Maybe I still want to be in the medical field," Her dad had a smile forming on his lips, glad to hear his daughter would still be close to what he had imagined for her. "Maybe I'll try psychology."

His smile was quick to vanish, "Maybe you should pick something with an actual future."

She responded with an eyeroll, "Maybe we should help them out then and book a therapy session. It might do us some good."

Lilith began to storm off, planning to head out of the house, but was stopped in her tracks when Toby appeared right in the doorway. Lilith glanced down at her feet, Toby standing right in front of her. He waved shyly towards Lilith's dad. "Hey Lilith, and Mr. Bradshaw. Leo just let me in, he seemed to be in a rush to leave so he told me to just make myself comfortable."

Lilith's father smiled, doing his best to act like nothing had happened. "How was your day, Toby?"

Toby answered yet kept his eyes on Lilith, who was still avoiding eye contact. "My day was alright. I took care of some work this morning and spent some time with my mom. How were your days?" He asked both to be polite, but he honestly was most concerned with Lilith's.

"My day's been pretty good, I can't complain." Toby watched as Lilith sarcastically laughed under her breath.

He gave her a questionable glance before she pushed past him. "I have to get out of here," she announced before running out the front door.  

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