Head Above Water

Chapter Eighteen

Lilith walked down the upstairs hallway with the original intent of going straight to bed but quickly stopping when she saw the dim light emitting from her father's office. She stood in the doorway, spotting her father sitting at his desk with his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose as he held various papers. Lilith knocked softly on the doorframe, earning a quick glance from her father.

"Come on in, Lil. What are you still doing up?" He placed the papers down, watching as Lilith took a seat across from his desk.

"I'm actually heading to bed right now, I just saw you sitting in here still. I thought maybe we could talk."

Her father started shuffling the papers together, placing them into folders. He took off his glasses, placing them on the edge of the desk as he sighed to Lilith. "Do you think it could wait until tomorrow? My brain's kind of checked out for the night."

"No, yeah, I get that. My mind's been kind of checked out for a little while now." Lilith mumbled her last few words, earning a questioning look from her dad as he stood up.

"What was that?"

Lilith started to shake her head slowly. "Nothing. So, tomorrow we can talk?" Her dad nodded, walking around the desk towards her.

"Of course, sweetheart. I have some things to take care of in the morning but I'm yours all afternoon. Get some sleep tonight, okay? I love you, kid."

He kissed the top of her head, heading out of the room. "Love you too, dad." Lilith sat back in the office chair, letting out a deep sigh. She was disappointed that she wasn't able to tell her dad anything right then and there when she was ready, but she was happy with the fact that she was trying. Lilith lifted herself from the chair, heading down the rest of the hallway to her bedroom. She shut the door behind her, quickly changing into pajamas before crawling under her covers.

Her body was ready for some much-needed rest, but her mind wasn't going to let that happen so easily. With her thoughts racing through her head, imagining what may happen when she finally opens up to her father, she spent hours turning and rolling in her bed. When the scenarios she was picturing in her head weren't calming her at all, she decided to get up and walk around to try and clear her mind.

She slipped a hoodie on over her pajamas, slowly creeping out of her bedroom and attempting to walk as lightly as possible down the hallway. When she reached the staircase, Lilith stopped halfway to peer down at the couch. Toby was completely out, buried underneath all the blankets Lilith gave him. She smiled to herself before heading down the remaining stairs, making her way towards the kitchen. Lilith grabbed a water from the fridge, leaning on the counter as the last what-if scenario of how her dad would react ran through her mind.

She shook it out of her mind, knowing that if she kept going over this, she'd start having second thoughts. She knew there were people around her, but she needed someone to talk to. She didn't even want to talk about her emotions, but just needed a distraction. Without another thought, Lilith was on her way towards the river. She jumped over tree roots and sticks, the open space by the river coming into view.

"Beck?" Lilith took a deep breath, just walking in circles and stretching her arms out to the sides. She waited for a minute, occasionally whisper-yelling Beck's name and hoping he'd appear.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Lilith smiled at the sound of his voice, giving a helpless shrug. "Why are you out here this late?"

Beck walked over to where Lilith was standing. "I just needed someone to talk."

"You mean someone to talk to?" Beck laughed at her wording.

Lilith shook her head, her smile faltering slightly. "No, just someone to talk. I need a distraction, something else to think about. I can't sleep until my mind can finally calm down."

"Oh, well lucky for you, I have so many stories that you've probably already heard once," Beck smirked sarcastically, earning an eye roll from Lilith.

"Come on, Beck, just tell me a joke or something. I'm pretty sure anything else will do." Beck nodded, motioning over to the rocks.

They went and sat down like they usually would, Lilith hugging her legs to her chest. Beck had an eager expression, looking similar to a small child on Christmas morning. "Actually, there was something really cool that I wanted to show you." Lilith nodded slowly, waiting for him to show her. "Stick your hand out."

Lilith was confused but decided not to question anything yet. She lifted her hand out in front of her, watching Beck reach out with his. While she questioned whether she was just really tired, or maybe losing her mind, it was fair to say she lost it when Beck's hand went straight through her arm.

"Oh my goodness," Lilith exclaimed as she pulled her arm back to her chest.

Beck nodded, knowingly, "It's weird, right?"

"How'd you even discover this?"

Beck was just as confused as Lilith but had his own reasons. "I don't know, I just had this feeling something was happening. This isn't all that's changed either." Lilith's eyes got wide for a moment. "I left the river. I walked all the way to my house, Lilith. I wasn't tied down to this hell of a place."

Lilith couldn't help but smile at his infectious happiness. For a moment, she completely forgot about everything happening in her life that gave her difficulties performing basic human functions. "Wait, does this mean you're going to disappear and I won't see you either?"

Beck frowned for a moment, understanding that she wasn't ready for that to happen. He really wasn't either. She was the first person he finally could connect with after five rough years, and even though he may have been dead, it felt like a genuine friendship.

"I'm not disappearing from you anytime soon, but we are making progress. You're going in the right direction, and that's all that matters." Beck would've taken a hold of her hand at that moment, but he knew it wouldn't work the same way as before.

Lilith glanced at the water, her mind racing with questions now. If she was going in the right direction, then why did it feel like she was getting worse? Why did she constantly feel sick from all her worries about what would happen next? When was Beck going to finally disappear from her and would she be able to say goodbye? Lilith looked back to Beck, "So, I'm doing the right thing?"

Beck could only shrug, not completely knowing what Lilith had been up to when she wasn't at the river. "As far as I can guess, you're doing what you need to do. Yes, it may not feel like it, but remember it gets worse before it gets better."

"How'd you know I was thinking that?" Lilith quickly questioned with a concerned look on her face, wondering if Beck had gained mind-reading powers.

Beck laughed, standing from the rock, "I'm dead, Lilith." She titled her head, confused. "It's also just a common feeling people have. I'm not that cool, yet."